jealousy

Today I vegged in front of the television at my folks’, flipping back and forth between old episodes of Degrassi and the films To Die For, Little Children, and Brokeback Mountain. For those unfamiliar, all of these moving pictures encompass topics of jealousy, cheating, repressed sexuality, or a combination of those.

Forgetting for a moment that I like the aforementioned films and the Canadian television show about awkward adolescence – that once, long ago, seemed to somewhat accurately portray high school life – I felt absurdly proud to be polyamorous and happy.

None of these productions ends well: Sarah and Brad ultimately cannot be together because Sarah feels obligated to her family despite her loveless marriage and Brad can’t admit to himself what he truly wants, so he withers; annoyingly, Brad’s wife spends half of Little Children moping or glaring at him with tear-stricken eyes. Ennis, of course, never lets go of his socially constructed shame in order to fully accept Jack as the person he loves most in the world even in the liminal, welcoming space of Brokeback Mountain. In To Die For, the ruthless Suzanne Stone seduces a dim-witted high school kid to kill her husband, whose family subsequently has her killed (in a feminist critique, I would say that the family simply could not deal with a strong-willed woman in charge of her sexuality and intent on success. They needed to eliminate her in order to reestablish the repressive heteronormative male-dominated monogamous social order . . . either way, not a good situation). On Degrassi, underage sex, cheating, lying, bloodshed and general high school malaise assure me no one will ever be happy unless we all go drown in an icy lake somewhere so we never have to deal with our bad communication issues. I digress.

A character on Degrassi named Paige told a friend consolingly, “Jealousy is a nasty thing,” but both seemed to accept the state as a reality rather than an exception. In this particular episode, Spinner – Paige’s ex – does not adequately recognize that his obsessive Christian girlfriend not only is crazy jealous (to the point of violence) of Spinner’s past girlfriends but also of any woman Spinner comes into contact with; she also can’t deal with the fact that Spinner is a sexual being, though admittedly he does lie to her about being a virgin. Spinner, of course, out of nowhere starts kissing Paige, who just broke up with her girlfriend, then tries to go back to Darcy and make like everything’s okay. People really do this!! (It actually does shock me.)

Occasionally I feel jealousy toward Diana. In fact, I’m suffering through some now. It is always a hard admission to make to myself. The jealousy surrounds the sort of time she gets to spend with him and, conversely, the time that I do not have with him.

But I don’t want to be jealous. I actively try to move forward away from that verdant beast. I’m still feeling lonely and out of sorts, but I am confident I can work through it with Sam, Tobias and Diana’s help.

You can address jealousy constructively. You can talk about it. It may take a while to even recognize that what you’re feeling is jealousy and it may hurt to discuss it, but jealousy can be sorted through and eliminated if you’re willing to work at it.

Jealousy is not worth the pain it causes. Even if you’re not poly, you shouldn’t have to wonder about your partner. Ask them if you think something’s going on. Talk about your feelings and your worries. Don’t suffer in silence, even if you feel paranoid. You’ll just resent the other person and yourself.

Jealousy kills a person’s spirit. It’s certainly wreaking havoc on me right now. I understand hesitating to talk about jealousy or longing or what you really need, because you’re scared, but it’s bullshit not to address it. Do it sooner than later.

frustration

Sam and I had some issues on my birthday, which happened recently, and we didn’t get to resolve it in person. I can’t say it has ruined the holidays, but it’s certainly put a damper on them.

We won’t see each other again until at least Sunday. I felt sick to my stomach the whole day after he and Diana left for a destination over two hours away. Each time I’ve talked to him, I’ve felt sick or become emotional. I need to see him and the impossibility of that is killing me right now.

We spoke on the phone that evening. It made things better, but I still don’t feel good about the situation and I told him that tonight – of course, over the phone, where neither of us feel particularly comfortable discussing hard topics (though he, having a big heart and a need to fix things and to make everyone around him happy, will talk more readily about a problem than I will).

What happened, more or less, was a miscommunication about when Sam and Diana were leaving the morning after my birthday; the fact that Sam and I did not get a lot of personal time while they were visiting; and Sam, sensing my sadness that morning, did not start being affectionate with me until after my mother came downstairs and I literally had to push him away from/off of me right when we needed each other most. All of that was very difficult for both us.

Our issues did not get resolved because we were at my parents’ house and there was no space to deal with our miscommunication. That is perhaps one of the hardest parts of our relationship: we often lack the space and time to figure out our problems.

Whenever he and I have to part, or cannot be together privately, before we work out a problem, I become shaky and agitated. I can’t think straight. I melt down. We had a miscommunication at his parents’ house back in late May and similarly could not work it out because we were around his parents and a friend, none of whom know about our relationship. The stress made me cry and shake. I’m wondering now if some of the stress comes from not knowing how he’s feeling, because I can’t see his face or hear his voice and because I think irrationally that he can somehow deal better with our mutual hurt than I can – and then I melt down more.

All the more worse is Tobias left to spend Christmas with his family. I miss them both right now.

I am frustrated. I will not lie. I am upset and sad. And I am pushing Sam away right now because when we talk my heart feels like it wants to implode. I have a mental block about crying in front of him; it’s getting better and I’m trying to open up more, but this problem has opened up some wounds. I also just feel like shit because it seems very childish and immature and selfish of me to complain about being lonely.