I feel very cared for and romantic.
Tobias and I made love before he went to work this morning. It was sweet, intimate sex that we both needed. Our sex life has slowed somewhat recently. We don’t mind; we work so well together that it’s a non-issue. Still, having our love sweep gently around and through us in the early morning light never fails to enchant us.
Sam and I spent our day off together today. We spent the morning sleeping, snuggling, making love, and reading. I made us breakfast, we took the midterm for our online college class together, and went out to lunch. Very domestic, yes. He gave me some much needed support after I freaked a little about the midterm (not understanding concepts immediately makes me feel embarrassed). After dropping off lunch for Diana, we went to a newly-constructed gated community to look at million dollar model homes. We had a lot of fun exploring and taking photographs of obscenely decadent homes with itty bitty yards. We snuggled and acted silly with/teased each other for the rest of the afternoon.
Tobias came home shortly after Sam left. We made leftovers, cuddled, and went out for coffee. Now he’s off seeing friends. It’s good to have some down time to myself, to read and work on art, but I definitely had a good day.
March 27, 2009
March 24, 2009
Turbulence
A couple things going on in my life:
- Sam and I took a wonderful trip together to the mountains in early February
- In late February Tobias and I joined Sam, Diana, and Sam’s parents and brother on another winter adventure
- Tobias and I finally got a new bed – a wonderful mattress, mattress pad and frame! – making sleeping and our backs feel better
- Tobias and I passed the three-year mark
- Sam and I passed the year and a half mark
- My job is treating me generally well, my volunteer work makes me happy, and I’m starting to focus on my future career goals
- Diana and I are having serious issues, communication/world view/etc.
- Diana is pregnant, due in mid-autumn
We have had some positive and negative occurrences in the last month and a half. We being the four, the two of us, the second two of us, and me-myself-and-I. I’m very, very glad when we can interact with each other’s families and have a relationship with them that, while technically not honest, is pleasant. I’m talking to Sam more about my anxieties instead of bottling them up. Sam and I are talking more about our desires and sexual needs (not always a physically fruitful venture, but otherwise exciting and relieving). Tobias’ and my domestic habits are becoming steadily better and more organized, something we’ve struggled with for a while. Both trips were physically exhausting and dizzyingly romantic.
Sam, Diana, and I bond over America’s Next Top Model – an inexplicably addicting show to which I introduced them – while Sam and I have embarked on Big Love, which we could discuss for hours. Tobias and I deconstruct Lost. I’m reading and exercising more, which helps my mood.
Things are actually quite good. Sometimes my life can get rough, but it’s manageable, something I can almost always anticipate will get better. I remind myself on a constant basis how lucky I am. Whether or not this rings true in my ears is sometimes difficult to tell, I am so privileged. I can say with relief that the problems in my life are mere nuisances in comparison to the suffering others have. Some aspects of work bother me on a rather constant basis, but I'm trying to deal with it constructively – this often means ranting at Tobias or Sam, who laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and tear away the frustration. I go home, hang out with my loves, read, take photographs, make near-daily efforts to keep our home organized, play with cats, and have a good life. I love my friends, near and far. (Though I miss some friends so much I can’t talk to them, because I’m worried I’ve lost them.) I love my family.
But as for the sea monkey and my deteriorating relationship with Diana . . . a-whole-nuther story. I told Sam last night that I feel like we’re racing toward the end. Borrowed time. I’m terrified of this pregnancy and what it will mean to our relationship. Diana is a wreck of a person; she can’t do anything by herself and has been harsh with me of late. I feel selfish, justified, lost, home.
Our narrative is in flux. I can’t identify the beginning, exactly, and I couldn’t begin to fathom where the end might lay. Last night I cried against Tobias's chest while holding Sam's hand. Feeling so hopeless even though I’m safe. That tender, distraught moment with them lingers in my memory.
- Sam and I took a wonderful trip together to the mountains in early February
- In late February Tobias and I joined Sam, Diana, and Sam’s parents and brother on another winter adventure
- Tobias and I finally got a new bed – a wonderful mattress, mattress pad and frame! – making sleeping and our backs feel better
- Tobias and I passed the three-year mark
- Sam and I passed the year and a half mark
- My job is treating me generally well, my volunteer work makes me happy, and I’m starting to focus on my future career goals
- Diana and I are having serious issues, communication/world view/etc.
- Diana is pregnant, due in mid-autumn
We have had some positive and negative occurrences in the last month and a half. We being the four, the two of us, the second two of us, and me-myself-and-I. I’m very, very glad when we can interact with each other’s families and have a relationship with them that, while technically not honest, is pleasant. I’m talking to Sam more about my anxieties instead of bottling them up. Sam and I are talking more about our desires and sexual needs (not always a physically fruitful venture, but otherwise exciting and relieving). Tobias’ and my domestic habits are becoming steadily better and more organized, something we’ve struggled with for a while. Both trips were physically exhausting and dizzyingly romantic.
Sam, Diana, and I bond over America’s Next Top Model – an inexplicably addicting show to which I introduced them – while Sam and I have embarked on Big Love, which we could discuss for hours. Tobias and I deconstruct Lost. I’m reading and exercising more, which helps my mood.
Things are actually quite good. Sometimes my life can get rough, but it’s manageable, something I can almost always anticipate will get better. I remind myself on a constant basis how lucky I am. Whether or not this rings true in my ears is sometimes difficult to tell, I am so privileged. I can say with relief that the problems in my life are mere nuisances in comparison to the suffering others have. Some aspects of work bother me on a rather constant basis, but I'm trying to deal with it constructively – this often means ranting at Tobias or Sam, who laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and tear away the frustration. I go home, hang out with my loves, read, take photographs, make near-daily efforts to keep our home organized, play with cats, and have a good life. I love my friends, near and far. (Though I miss some friends so much I can’t talk to them, because I’m worried I’ve lost them.) I love my family.
But as for the sea monkey and my deteriorating relationship with Diana . . . a-whole-nuther story. I told Sam last night that I feel like we’re racing toward the end. Borrowed time. I’m terrified of this pregnancy and what it will mean to our relationship. Diana is a wreck of a person; she can’t do anything by herself and has been harsh with me of late. I feel selfish, justified, lost, home.
Our narrative is in flux. I can’t identify the beginning, exactly, and I couldn’t begin to fathom where the end might lay. Last night I cried against Tobias's chest while holding Sam's hand. Feeling so hopeless even though I’m safe. That tender, distraught moment with them lingers in my memory.
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