thought vomit

Tonight Sam and I discussed several things, including my frustration with Diana’s depression and various meltdowns she’s been having in the last year (which have as of late escalated), my worry that I won’t be able to deal with Diana so much that it might hurt Sam’s and my relationship, wrought confusion over a term Sam used for our love-making last week, and jealousy that could potentially arise in me surrounding their new baby – a baby that has probably not even been conceived yet.

I have felt so unmotivated this week. I’m tired and emotionally broke. Not broken, but broke – blank. Without feeling. I have rationalized it to myself in a variety of ways, tried to get myself angry, and I just can’t. I didn’t know what to say, because there wasn’t much to say beyond the tired (to me) complaints about Diana and that wasn’t even at the heart of why I was upset. It seemed like an excuse. We talked about it today and seem on the road to recovery.

Sam and I are going away for the weekend soon, to be by ourselves and have the first real 24/7 time we’ve ever had together. Neither of us wanted it to be prefaced with trouble or poor communication, which causes trouble, but I sincerely hope it turns out well for us. We both need this.

Tobias and I will reach the three-year mark in about two weeks. I am delighted and delirious about our love. It grows stronger every day. He is always there for me, deals with my irrationality, and has a kind word to say no matter what the situation. He is a strong, supportive, considerate man who always thinks of others before himself. And he can’t help but be sweet.

I love them both, more than simple words on typewriter or flowing from a pen can express. I love them profoundly. I love them tumultuously.