Sam and I fully consummated our relationship a year ago, give or take a week.
Last Monday we pushed ourselves further than we have ever done.
Sam has a fetish that does not exactly, to put it mildly, get me off. It’s not something I ever fantasized in a sexual partner. And yet, and yet: I completely respond to his excitement in the act. His feelings flood into me. I am struck by his desire, his need. Such moments compel me into action. I cannot deny him. His need arouses me. His desire undoes me.
Tobias is not exactly a fan of one of my own kinks, and he tends to be the dominant sexual partner when we make love. I full enjoy that, but there’s part of me that wants to shift or blur the power roles. Sam enjoys being dominant with Diana, but she will (can) not switch and he wants to submit on occasion.
We’ve played together in this way in the past, but nothing completely serious. We had attempted to push ourselves in this way a few months ago, but coupled with my lack of confidence and nerves it didn’t coalesce into what we wanted. Last Monday, after we both fought for control of the situation and Sam finally relented, I took control.
Apparently I said things to him that I don’t remember. I tried to keep my wits about me, but I lost myself in it. We both did. It was an extremely powerful evening that left us both shaking.
It is virtually impossible for me to adequately describe how it feels to be excited by my partner’s excitement. I reeled for days after our latest encounter.
This says much to me about the way polyamory can be beneficial, physically and emotionally. We can navigate our fantasies that do not work for either Diana or Tobias, even though we love them deeply. Sam and I are also able to pair our individual fantasies together and negotiate how what we both want can come from one event. Not only do we experience something we could not with our other partners, the encounter brings us closer together because we have opened up a part of ourselves that is unfamiliar. It is intimidating yet arousing. Of course we both fumble, but the uncertainty heightens the moment and strengthens us.
November 29, 2008
November 16, 2008
just some stuff
Sam and I had a nice walk tonight. We sat on a bench in a local park and talked about our motivations and goals. Tobias approached me yesterday about his own worries for his career and the possibility of going back into school, so we must start getting truly serious about our finances and our plans for the future. Sam would be happy to be called one of my sounding boards (and he already knows he’s one of my best friends, along with Tobias). I want to be as supportive as I can of Tobias’ needs, but I was worried so Sam helped me get through some of those fears by simply helping me voice them.
I asked Sam to come to my parents’ house this weekend with Tobias and me to do some pre-Christmas and pre-Thanksgiving activities with us. Sam and Tobias both shot down this idea because Diana cannot come and both men think it would be super problematic if only Sam tagged along.
Mind, I find it most amusing when my mother asks if Diana is okay with me spending so much time with Sam or when Sam’s mother starts questioning his relationship with me – our mothers are most perceptive, it appears – but I do wish truly that I could be open and “out of the closet” with my family. To have that openness and to be that open, even slightly akin to this woman at UM-Morris, with my parents would be amazing. I wish we could feel that comfortable with our folks. We’re all worried our parents will freak out, per se, were they to find out.
I don’t like lying to my parents, whom I love and respect deeply. They like Sam and Diana already. I’m amazed, if saddened, that I’ve been able to keep Sam a secret so long: going on a year and a half now. It hurts that I can’t share casual, touching moments or silly stories about Sam with my mom, unless somehow I awkwardly color them so she doesn’t get the “wrong idea.” Perhaps we fret too much – perhaps they’ll be just fine. Eventually they’ll find out, probably. I hope we can be the ones to tell them, of course, so they do not jump to poor conclusions or feel awkward around us.
If anyone reads this and has a similar situation, how did or would you tell your close family?
Today was a good day. I just worry – a lot. Je suis worry-wort. Now off to bed, for I am a busy woman and the world doesn’t stop for me.
I asked Sam to come to my parents’ house this weekend with Tobias and me to do some pre-Christmas and pre-Thanksgiving activities with us. Sam and Tobias both shot down this idea because Diana cannot come and both men think it would be super problematic if only Sam tagged along.
Mind, I find it most amusing when my mother asks if Diana is okay with me spending so much time with Sam or when Sam’s mother starts questioning his relationship with me – our mothers are most perceptive, it appears – but I do wish truly that I could be open and “out of the closet” with my family. To have that openness and to be that open, even slightly akin to this woman at UM-Morris, with my parents would be amazing. I wish we could feel that comfortable with our folks. We’re all worried our parents will freak out, per se, were they to find out.
I don’t like lying to my parents, whom I love and respect deeply. They like Sam and Diana already. I’m amazed, if saddened, that I’ve been able to keep Sam a secret so long: going on a year and a half now. It hurts that I can’t share casual, touching moments or silly stories about Sam with my mom, unless somehow I awkwardly color them so she doesn’t get the “wrong idea.” Perhaps we fret too much – perhaps they’ll be just fine. Eventually they’ll find out, probably. I hope we can be the ones to tell them, of course, so they do not jump to poor conclusions or feel awkward around us.
If anyone reads this and has a similar situation, how did or would you tell your close family?
Today was a good day. I just worry – a lot. Je suis worry-wort. Now off to bed, for I am a busy woman and the world doesn’t stop for me.
November 12, 2008
ambiguities
The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a marathon – think of something that turns you topsy-turvy but promises to put you down safely in the end.
Election Night was wild and euphoric for my friends and me. About twenty of us munched on pizza and tacos, and drank beer or red or blue drinks, for about eight hours, at Sam and Diana’s house. Some of us spent a large amount of time in the hot tub, chatting amicably and watching the results come in on a screen upon which we projected CNN.
When CNN announced Obama’s win, there was a lot of euphoria. Throughout the later returns there was a lot of euphoria. There was in turn a lot of hugging and kissing of various people. I kissed one of our mutual friends, Tobias kissed a woman we had just met, and Sam kissed a woman he’s known for a long time, although by that time I was helping the man I kissed in the bathroom after becoming both drunk and dehydrated.
Definitely felt some jealousy and some frustration with finding myself jealous, even though I also kissed someone who was neither of my partners. (Initially I didn’t care and after a couple days of processing my jealousy has subsided.) From my perspective, I suppose, the issue was both Tobias and Sam kissed women they both find attractive. I find the man I kissed extremely attractive, but I am unwilling to push with him because I don’t want to fracture my time with Tobias and Sam anymore than it already is; furthermore, the man in question and his lovely partner have rules that they will not engage with another person unless they’re both involved – while I adore his girlfriend, I’m not interested in her sexually. I like him very much, but at the moment I don’t see how this leads to anything besides what we already have: a great friendship. And I guess I am (was) unclear what Tobias and Sam’s hopes were in relation to the women they kissed. That’s been a little difficult to deal with, but Sam, Tobias and I have talked about it so I can work through it.
Tobias went out for coffee on Saturday with the woman he kissed at the party and it didn’t pan out for him in the way he thought it would, i.e., dating her. The woman described herself as highly affectionate toward others, nothing more. I feel sorry for Tobias because he had a lot of hope and excitement for something to happen between them – only to be let down. Interestingly, even though I was (am) apprehensive (contradictorily) about the prospect of Tobias dating another woman seriously, I feel quite defensive of him: he’s a fantastic person, how dare she reject him! Heh.
I don’t know really how to end this. It’s sort of bemusing to think about the last week. Our lives do not revolve around sex, rather around each other and the complexity of the relationships we have with other people (whether it be with a lover, a friend, or a family member). I appreciate it deeply, but the nature of my life is sometimes that I feel I cannot adequately interpret it without cascading asides and digressions. Were I asked to write an autobiography (unlikely), I would describe my life in a series of parentheses.
Election Night was wild and euphoric for my friends and me. About twenty of us munched on pizza and tacos, and drank beer or red or blue drinks, for about eight hours, at Sam and Diana’s house. Some of us spent a large amount of time in the hot tub, chatting amicably and watching the results come in on a screen upon which we projected CNN.
When CNN announced Obama’s win, there was a lot of euphoria. Throughout the later returns there was a lot of euphoria. There was in turn a lot of hugging and kissing of various people. I kissed one of our mutual friends, Tobias kissed a woman we had just met, and Sam kissed a woman he’s known for a long time, although by that time I was helping the man I kissed in the bathroom after becoming both drunk and dehydrated.
Definitely felt some jealousy and some frustration with finding myself jealous, even though I also kissed someone who was neither of my partners. (Initially I didn’t care and after a couple days of processing my jealousy has subsided.) From my perspective, I suppose, the issue was both Tobias and Sam kissed women they both find attractive. I find the man I kissed extremely attractive, but I am unwilling to push with him because I don’t want to fracture my time with Tobias and Sam anymore than it already is; furthermore, the man in question and his lovely partner have rules that they will not engage with another person unless they’re both involved – while I adore his girlfriend, I’m not interested in her sexually. I like him very much, but at the moment I don’t see how this leads to anything besides what we already have: a great friendship. And I guess I am (was) unclear what Tobias and Sam’s hopes were in relation to the women they kissed. That’s been a little difficult to deal with, but Sam, Tobias and I have talked about it so I can work through it.
Tobias went out for coffee on Saturday with the woman he kissed at the party and it didn’t pan out for him in the way he thought it would, i.e., dating her. The woman described herself as highly affectionate toward others, nothing more. I feel sorry for Tobias because he had a lot of hope and excitement for something to happen between them – only to be let down. Interestingly, even though I was (am) apprehensive (contradictorily) about the prospect of Tobias dating another woman seriously, I feel quite defensive of him: he’s a fantastic person, how dare she reject him! Heh.
I don’t know really how to end this. It’s sort of bemusing to think about the last week. Our lives do not revolve around sex, rather around each other and the complexity of the relationships we have with other people (whether it be with a lover, a friend, or a family member). I appreciate it deeply, but the nature of my life is sometimes that I feel I cannot adequately interpret it without cascading asides and digressions. Were I asked to write an autobiography (unlikely), I would describe my life in a series of parentheses.
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