building my life

Many things have happened since my last post. I will summarize, briefly:

- Sam and Diana gave birth to a gregarious, wildly intelligent baby girl, Rachel, in late 2009
- I was able to participate in the birth, which was at home with two midwives; an amazing night
- Sam and Diana started a home-buying search in early 2010
- Sam kept an eye out for a house that might fit all of us, but in our area it was unrealistic -- and yet we found one that fit us almost perfectly
- Tobias and I moved in with Sam, Diana, and Rachel in late 2010
- We added two special kitties to our little family
- Tobias dated a woman for ~3 months, off and on; it did not pan out unfortunately (I really enjoyed the NRE and would have liked to meet her)
- We met an actress from Big Love at a wedding. We told her about our polyamory and how the show related (or not) to our own lives; shocked, she asked, "Who's in charge?" which was strange but also an opportunity to educate. She was the first stranger to whom we've outed ourselves, and Sam and I love her work, so it was quite thrilling.
- We've lost, perhaps temporarily, an old friend of Sam's/new friend of mine due to a jealous girlfriend
- Our friends remain supportive
- Diana's and my relationship is fractious at the moment, if distant
- I like Diana's boyfriend a lot more now; I didn't really before
- Sam and I both started new jobs
- Sam, Tobias and I all went through furloughs (better than a pay cut)
- My dad went through several very painful surgeries
- Sam's dad is sick
- My two dogs, who came to my family in my childhood, passed away
- We went to Hawaii with two of our close friends; it was my first trip to Hawaii ever; I swam with sea turtles
- Many friends and family are pregnant or just gave birth
- Sam and I share a bedroom and an office in the new house; we are learning how to live together, which is simultaneously tough and loving
- I told Tobias yesterday that I want to marry him

It's been a very stressful year and a half or so, but also full of joy. I am nesting in the house and pondering the future. I don't know what we're doing or where we're going. Some days I want to scream my head off or run away. Others, I can't believe how lucky I am to be a part of my new family, to be helping to raise a stunningly delightful little girl, to sleep with one partner and wake another in the morning with kisses. These experiences are delirious and mundane, painful and invigorating, kinetic and absurdly, wonderfully, normal. They leave me breathless.