Beyond a minor car accident (not our fault, but still on my mind!), Sam and I had a nice day and date yesterday. Some communication about foreplay translated well during lunch. We did not end up pumpkin patching, but he convinced me to eat several types of unnerving seafood – e.g., some had tentacles and suckers, gah! Overall we had a very nice evening together.
On a different topic, I’ve never dealt with a seriously jealous boyfriend nor have I ever been a jealous girlfriend. I promised myself, well before accepting polyamory as part of me, that I would never get involved in a relationship where jealousy could manifest itself either passive aggressively or physically. It’s liberating to walk hand-in-hand with your partner – in this case, Tobias – calmly discussing people you find attractive or with whom you flirt, why you have a crush on someone, what types of people to whom you find yourself attracted, and how much you love and are delighted by your partner all at the same time. Regardless of whether we’d pursue seriously these crushes or flirtations (probably not), it makes us feel good to do it and equally express it in a safe space. Questioning each other’s taste also causes a lot of laughter.
October 28, 2008
October 26, 2008
leaves are turning
Having an established date night, as I’ve already mentioned, has eliminated a good deal of my stress. Knowing that Sam and I have something to look forward to together allows me to settle down and stop worrying about the next time we’ll see one another. It helps me deal with Diana’s emotional state, too, somehow.
It also helps my relationship with Tobias, since I can focus on him. We have had a lot of unfiltered us time. We had a wonderful day together today, relaxing after an eight-hour harvest and pumpkin carving party we hosted. We lounged about, had coffee, did a bit of shopping, cleaned the house, played with a neighborhood cat, and fully enjoyed each other’s company.
Tomorrow is Sam’s and my ‘second date,’ so to speak. I am going to ask him to take me to a local pumpkin patch before dinner.
It also helps my relationship with Tobias, since I can focus on him. We have had a lot of unfiltered us time. We had a wonderful day together today, relaxing after an eight-hour harvest and pumpkin carving party we hosted. We lounged about, had coffee, did a bit of shopping, cleaned the house, played with a neighborhood cat, and fully enjoyed each other’s company.
Tomorrow is Sam’s and my ‘second date,’ so to speak. I am going to ask him to take me to a local pumpkin patch before dinner.
October 22, 2008
how to handle love
Monday went off with several hitches. I wrote about it last night and promptly stored it away. Taking a deep breath and thinking about it, our date night went quite well. And it will get better. I told Diana that we can all get through this together and will support each other.
Tobias and Sam have come through for me this week like the shining stars they are. They have been emotionally and physically supportive. Monday evening Tobias turned around when he was driving to come home and see me when I needed him. Today I was very sick at work and Sam drove me home where he took care of me before heading back after lunch.
And Sam, oh, Sam, watched America’s Next Top Model with me while Tobias tried to act uninterested. It’s nice that they humor me.
Tobias and Sam have come through for me this week like the shining stars they are. They have been emotionally and physically supportive. Monday evening Tobias turned around when he was driving to come home and see me when I needed him. Today I was very sick at work and Sam drove me home where he took care of me before heading back after lunch.
And Sam, oh, Sam, watched America’s Next Top Model with me while Tobias tried to act uninterested. It’s nice that they humor me.
October 17, 2008
decompressing
I haven’t written lately because my work and personal life has been very busy, and when I come home at night I tend to veg, take a brief walk, read a little, then go to sleep.
Sam and I, after stumbling around emotionally for a week, finally determined a date and time to talk – this past Monday. I completely choked up. Could barely say anything. It was too long and I hadn’t had time to sit down and hash out with myself what I thought we needed to talk about.
It took a long time that evening to push past my inability to speak and began to broach subjects. Now, rereading previous entries to this journal, make me feel for sure that we had a productive conversation.
I cried when we made love. I do not know how I want to feel about such instances: it happens extremely rarely, possibly two or three times in my life, including after a hard (i.e., sad) night with Tobias a few weeks before I left for a year abroad in Europe. It was . . . cleansing. Relief.
We didn’t get as far as either of us wanted, but we figured out an important thing like spending quality time together rather than “quantity time.” We realized we have sought each other out a lot recently, but instead of it making us feel better it makes us feel wanting and unfulfilled. We couldn’t talk to each other comfortably or long enough in the short bursts of time we had together. We decided we need a prescribed date night, much in the way Sam and Diana exclusively reserve Fridays for themselves. In a way I was jealous of this, but I feel much better knowing that he and I have time set away specifically for each other rather than always trying to arrange something.
We agreed that this means that we will not see as much of each other in the evenings during the week. Sam has a busy schedule, I have some projects I need to tackle and have been avoiding, and both Tobias and Diana remarked that Sam and I were seeing more of each other than usual. (I disagree, because I felt that time wasn’t of much quality, but I can see what they were saying.) We don’t have to say to each other, “So when can I see you next?” and have the answer be, “I’m not sure, let me check.” We know. The structure is there. Barring a huge conflict, we’ll have that from now on.
Honestly, I’m relieved. This will work much better for me. My stress levels that usually heighten in the evenings plummeted this week.
Sam and I, after stumbling around emotionally for a week, finally determined a date and time to talk – this past Monday. I completely choked up. Could barely say anything. It was too long and I hadn’t had time to sit down and hash out with myself what I thought we needed to talk about.
It took a long time that evening to push past my inability to speak and began to broach subjects. Now, rereading previous entries to this journal, make me feel for sure that we had a productive conversation.
I cried when we made love. I do not know how I want to feel about such instances: it happens extremely rarely, possibly two or three times in my life, including after a hard (i.e., sad) night with Tobias a few weeks before I left for a year abroad in Europe. It was . . . cleansing. Relief.
We didn’t get as far as either of us wanted, but we figured out an important thing like spending quality time together rather than “quantity time.” We realized we have sought each other out a lot recently, but instead of it making us feel better it makes us feel wanting and unfulfilled. We couldn’t talk to each other comfortably or long enough in the short bursts of time we had together. We decided we need a prescribed date night, much in the way Sam and Diana exclusively reserve Fridays for themselves. In a way I was jealous of this, but I feel much better knowing that he and I have time set away specifically for each other rather than always trying to arrange something.
We agreed that this means that we will not see as much of each other in the evenings during the week. Sam has a busy schedule, I have some projects I need to tackle and have been avoiding, and both Tobias and Diana remarked that Sam and I were seeing more of each other than usual. (I disagree, because I felt that time wasn’t of much quality, but I can see what they were saying.) We don’t have to say to each other, “So when can I see you next?” and have the answer be, “I’m not sure, let me check.” We know. The structure is there. Barring a huge conflict, we’ll have that from now on.
Honestly, I’m relieved. This will work much better for me. My stress levels that usually heighten in the evenings plummeted this week.
October 7, 2008
medicine
I broached the subject with Sam on Saturday after I got upset again when Sam had to hurry home. Tobias and I, of course, left to go visit parents that night and stayed through the end of the weekend, so Sam and I didn’t see each other until Monday. Sam got sick over the weekend and has continued to be sick. We spoke briefly about the subjects that we need to go into at lunch, then took a walk in the evening. Neither of us seemed up to it last night, and Sam was out of it. We didn’t have a space to sit down and talk it out hard, either, as Tobias was home and Diana anti-people while she worked on her curriculum. Today we didn’t have a lot of time together, and he is still feeling bad, so as of right now we still haven’t spoken in the way that we need.
I feel distanced enough from last week’s frustration and tears that I fear I won’t adequately express myself once we get a chance. Deflation rears its head.
The “talk,” as it were, is looming over me ominously enough that all I want to do is throw it away and forget about it so I can enjoy my time with him. Unfortunately that can’t happen, as that’s exactly what I’ve done in the past and I know that makes me unhappy.
For the past few days Tobias and I have been in contact (separately) with Alex from “from the watchtower.” Alex’s last message details how upset he is that Anna cheated on him, yet he said that he will “ride the wave” and enjoy his time with Anna to “the best of my ability.” I responded:
I feel distanced enough from last week’s frustration and tears that I fear I won’t adequately express myself once we get a chance. Deflation rears its head.
The “talk,” as it were, is looming over me ominously enough that all I want to do is throw it away and forget about it so I can enjoy my time with him. Unfortunately that can’t happen, as that’s exactly what I’ve done in the past and I know that makes me unhappy.
For the past few days Tobias and I have been in contact (separately) with Alex from “from the watchtower.” Alex’s last message details how upset he is that Anna cheated on him, yet he said that he will “ride the wave” and enjoy his time with Anna to “the best of my ability.” I responded:
- Just be aware of what you need, Alex, and let Anna know. It's okay to say to her, ‘Hey, I really need you right now.’ It's important to be fair to everyone involved in a polyamorous situation, but it's perfectly acceptable to have needs and voice them.
October 4, 2008
a form of communication
The previous post burns me and I just uploaded it.
The positive thing about ripping myself apart to the anonymous space of a blog comes in stating my problems at all. Writing clarifies things for me. My voice appears. I choke up trying to express myself if something hurts and I haven’t hashed it out on paper (or in hypertext, as the case may be). While my muscles have stiffened and my eyes leak, I feel as if I can actually begin to convey this all to Sam in a productive way.
The positive thing about ripping myself apart to the anonymous space of a blog comes in stating my problems at all. Writing clarifies things for me. My voice appears. I choke up trying to express myself if something hurts and I haven’t hashed it out on paper (or in hypertext, as the case may be). While my muscles have stiffened and my eyes leak, I feel as if I can actually begin to convey this all to Sam in a productive way.
self ass-kicking
Tobias asked me several times this evening if Sam and I are doing okay. He said that we’ve seen a lot of each other recently and he wondered if something might be wrong.
To me, I don’t see Sam enough. I am trying to not buckle under this fact right now.
I have trouble spilling my guts to Sam or crying in front of him very often. It’s taken a lot to accept that this resistance stems from nervousness, or rather fear, that if I have too big of a meltdown (like everyone has once in a while) I’ll end up pushing him away. Half of me shouts that that’s irrational, half of me doubts. Essential to polyamory is open communication and honesty. I never lie egregiously to Sam, but I often deflect when I’m mad at or disappointed in him, or when I’m sad or depressed about something.
What further colors my inability to communicate is that, again, I don’t feel like I see him enough. If we have an issue, Sam and I have to speed up the communication and healing process in a way we don’t have to with Diana and Tobias, respectively. The same with romance or personal time. We are on a time-crunch, always.
I feel like going into it (whatever it is) could hurt us and we don’t have time to really gel. Unlike when Tobias and I have an argument, I can’t go to sleep holding Sam then wake up with him in the morning to make sure again that we’re okay. It’s not possible in our relationship. We lack the space. I can’t and wouldn’t insist he needs to stay the night so we can have what is normal healing for Tobias and me. Where would Tobias go? What about Diana? Yes, I can see Sam at work to hug and kiss and reassure him/myself, but it’s not the same. I still have to go back to work and I don’t go home to him.
There is always a termination point. Sam has to go home after we make love. We go to our respective homes after we take our walk. It’s reality. I shouldn’t fuss. We do get to spend a couple nights together every month or so, which I love. We get serious us-time and it fills us with a wonderful energy. It’s also exciting to have a hasty but tender tryst together, because time is precious and we must enjoy every second of it. But occasionally I want to bury myself in the blankets when he leaves and forget that he’s gone.
Sam came over last Friday night and held me while I cried. I barely spoke, but he got it after a while. I made him leave even though I desperately wanted him to stay, because I couldn’t stand it if I was a burden to his and Diana’s relationship. I worry that will hurt us too. (I probably wouldn’t really believe Diana if she said that wouldn’t be so, because I’m a dolt and scared.) And I’m scared, I guess, to truly express my needs and worries.
Sam definitely knows that I do this; we’ve discussed it in general terms. He wants me to feel free and safe to talk to him, and I want to as well. He pushes back when I push away, which relieves me in spite of my ridiculousness.
On Wednesday evening, we took a walk and it took a while for us to talk in-depth, although we thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. Sam likes to push his loved ones to tell him what’s wrong so he can fix things. He’s a fixer – it’s how he makes himself happy. (He typically ignores himself in this process, which frustrates me.) It’s too much for me sometimes and it can hurt, especially when I’m acting stupid (see third paragraph) and don’t want to talk but should.
This last week burned me out. Work was rough and I cried for almost the entire lunch hour on Thursday. (Of course I cry in front of Sam after I promised him (myself) that I wouldn’t. That never works.) I took some criticism from my amazing boss way too personally. That, combined with stress from all different directions, pushed me over the edge. Sam calmed me down and put the situation into perspective, which makes me love him even more, but I ended up feeling that I wasted that precious hour with him by crying.
He doesn’t see it that way. If only I could too.
In all of this, despite my wanting to spend more time with Sam, I will not give up my time with Tobias. I won’t jeopardize my relationship with him either. All I can do is throw out more Catch-22s, yes?
This post is terrible. Sigh.
I don’t understand myself. I know what’s wrong, but I can’t make myself fix it. Without doubt, I know that Sam will be there for me and with me when I decide to tear down the floodgates I’ve erected. Hiding my nerves just engenders more nerves. But I keep setting myself up to run in dizzying circles, patching the leaks haphazardly. I love him.
He deserves better from me.
To me, I don’t see Sam enough. I am trying to not buckle under this fact right now.
I have trouble spilling my guts to Sam or crying in front of him very often. It’s taken a lot to accept that this resistance stems from nervousness, or rather fear, that if I have too big of a meltdown (like everyone has once in a while) I’ll end up pushing him away. Half of me shouts that that’s irrational, half of me doubts. Essential to polyamory is open communication and honesty. I never lie egregiously to Sam, but I often deflect when I’m mad at or disappointed in him, or when I’m sad or depressed about something.
What further colors my inability to communicate is that, again, I don’t feel like I see him enough. If we have an issue, Sam and I have to speed up the communication and healing process in a way we don’t have to with Diana and Tobias, respectively. The same with romance or personal time. We are on a time-crunch, always.
I feel like going into it (whatever it is) could hurt us and we don’t have time to really gel. Unlike when Tobias and I have an argument, I can’t go to sleep holding Sam then wake up with him in the morning to make sure again that we’re okay. It’s not possible in our relationship. We lack the space. I can’t and wouldn’t insist he needs to stay the night so we can have what is normal healing for Tobias and me. Where would Tobias go? What about Diana? Yes, I can see Sam at work to hug and kiss and reassure him/myself, but it’s not the same. I still have to go back to work and I don’t go home to him.
There is always a termination point. Sam has to go home after we make love. We go to our respective homes after we take our walk. It’s reality. I shouldn’t fuss. We do get to spend a couple nights together every month or so, which I love. We get serious us-time and it fills us with a wonderful energy. It’s also exciting to have a hasty but tender tryst together, because time is precious and we must enjoy every second of it. But occasionally I want to bury myself in the blankets when he leaves and forget that he’s gone.
Sam came over last Friday night and held me while I cried. I barely spoke, but he got it after a while. I made him leave even though I desperately wanted him to stay, because I couldn’t stand it if I was a burden to his and Diana’s relationship. I worry that will hurt us too. (I probably wouldn’t really believe Diana if she said that wouldn’t be so, because I’m a dolt and scared.) And I’m scared, I guess, to truly express my needs and worries.
Sam definitely knows that I do this; we’ve discussed it in general terms. He wants me to feel free and safe to talk to him, and I want to as well. He pushes back when I push away, which relieves me in spite of my ridiculousness.
On Wednesday evening, we took a walk and it took a while for us to talk in-depth, although we thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. Sam likes to push his loved ones to tell him what’s wrong so he can fix things. He’s a fixer – it’s how he makes himself happy. (He typically ignores himself in this process, which frustrates me.) It’s too much for me sometimes and it can hurt, especially when I’m acting stupid (see third paragraph) and don’t want to talk but should.
This last week burned me out. Work was rough and I cried for almost the entire lunch hour on Thursday. (Of course I cry in front of Sam after I promised him (myself) that I wouldn’t. That never works.) I took some criticism from my amazing boss way too personally. That, combined with stress from all different directions, pushed me over the edge. Sam calmed me down and put the situation into perspective, which makes me love him even more, but I ended up feeling that I wasted that precious hour with him by crying.
He doesn’t see it that way. If only I could too.
In all of this, despite my wanting to spend more time with Sam, I will not give up my time with Tobias. I won’t jeopardize my relationship with him either. All I can do is throw out more Catch-22s, yes?
This post is terrible. Sigh.
I don’t understand myself. I know what’s wrong, but I can’t make myself fix it. Without doubt, I know that Sam will be there for me and with me when I decide to tear down the floodgates I’ve erected. Hiding my nerves just engenders more nerves. But I keep setting myself up to run in dizzying circles, patching the leaks haphazardly. I love him.
He deserves better from me.
October 2, 2008
from the watchtower
An old friend who I’ve known since elementary school called tonight to ask my advice.
Anna has been dating Dale and Alex off and on for almost a year now, ever since a nasty break-up. She met and liked both around the same time, dated them casually along with two other men who have dropped off the radar, became much closer with them both. Alex and Dale both wanted Anna to themselves, and she caved to both of them a couple times. (She bounced between them.) She still lives in our hometown, so I don’t really keep tabs on what she does. According to her, she gave up Dale to be with Alex, but realized in the last month that she’s happy with Alex but miserable without Dale.
To sum it up, she cheated on Alex with Dale. She didn’t make excuses when she told Alex shortly after, but explained she wanted to be with Dale also. She then sat down with both of them and presented the idea that she could be with both of them, if they were willing.
Let me just say: this is really NOT a good way to start trying polyamory.
Anna wanted to know if I would consider talking to Alex about polyamory, something basic in an E-mail. He is scared and worried, unsure why she needs someone else or how she could love two people at once.
Before I even agreed to E-mail him, Anna and I talked about the importance of honesty and communication. She needs to let him talk to her, to let him cry, to let him talk out his worries with his conservative friends, to let him be held by her and feel wanted. She needs to work on trust between them. She needs to bring Dale and Alex together, to talk. She also needs to accept this arrangement could fail.
I sympathize with Alex because after Sam and I started dating, Tobias was sporadically out of sorts for months and I with him. We had a long process with lots of tears in which we dealt with our own fears and needs. We emerged better from it, but I can understand how where someone might break. Regardless of whether you feel completely monogamous or polyamorous, being in a relationship is tough. Being in more than one is tougher.
Consider the emotional strain you put on yourself when you even entertain polyamory, whether you’re “wired” for it or not. Will it be worth it in the long run? Putting your loved one(s) and yourself through an incredibly stressful situation could rock you more than you thought it would. We stuck it out because we determined my relationship with Tobias and my relationship with Sam had value and could be managed, with lots of work. I definitely wish it could have happened with less headache and tears, but I wouldn’t give up what I’ve gained in having them.
For Anna, I hope she can work things out and no one gets hurt. She has a tough road ahead of her.
Anna has been dating Dale and Alex off and on for almost a year now, ever since a nasty break-up. She met and liked both around the same time, dated them casually along with two other men who have dropped off the radar, became much closer with them both. Alex and Dale both wanted Anna to themselves, and she caved to both of them a couple times. (She bounced between them.) She still lives in our hometown, so I don’t really keep tabs on what she does. According to her, she gave up Dale to be with Alex, but realized in the last month that she’s happy with Alex but miserable without Dale.
To sum it up, she cheated on Alex with Dale. She didn’t make excuses when she told Alex shortly after, but explained she wanted to be with Dale also. She then sat down with both of them and presented the idea that she could be with both of them, if they were willing.
Let me just say: this is really NOT a good way to start trying polyamory.
Anna wanted to know if I would consider talking to Alex about polyamory, something basic in an E-mail. He is scared and worried, unsure why she needs someone else or how she could love two people at once.
Before I even agreed to E-mail him, Anna and I talked about the importance of honesty and communication. She needs to let him talk to her, to let him cry, to let him talk out his worries with his conservative friends, to let him be held by her and feel wanted. She needs to work on trust between them. She needs to bring Dale and Alex together, to talk. She also needs to accept this arrangement could fail.
I sympathize with Alex because after Sam and I started dating, Tobias was sporadically out of sorts for months and I with him. We had a long process with lots of tears in which we dealt with our own fears and needs. We emerged better from it, but I can understand how where someone might break. Regardless of whether you feel completely monogamous or polyamorous, being in a relationship is tough. Being in more than one is tougher.
Consider the emotional strain you put on yourself when you even entertain polyamory, whether you’re “wired” for it or not. Will it be worth it in the long run? Putting your loved one(s) and yourself through an incredibly stressful situation could rock you more than you thought it would. We stuck it out because we determined my relationship with Tobias and my relationship with Sam had value and could be managed, with lots of work. I definitely wish it could have happened with less headache and tears, but I wouldn’t give up what I’ve gained in having them.
For Anna, I hope she can work things out and no one gets hurt. She has a tough road ahead of her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
