Talking to Others — Poly at Work

I thought I might write about how I personally deal with polyamory and being “out” or keeping silent in various social situations: family, friends, at work, etc.

Talking to Others—Poly at Work

Mum’s the word for us. Some of Diana’s peers are aware, but I don’t know how much they’ve told anyone else. Only one co-worker of Tobias’ has known, and that person was a good friend prior to Tobias working with him.

Since Sam and I technically work together, but our co-workers only formally know our partners as Diana and Tobias respectively, it can be a challenge. We see each other a lot for breaks and lunch, as it’s the chance to be together without taking time away from Diana or Tobias. Some people confuse me for Sam’s wife. We don’t correct them. Sam is one of my best friends and occasional carpool buddy, as well as my lover, but we don’t mention that last part. We tone down our affection when co-workers or supervisors are near. We’ve definitely had some interesting incidents.

I work in a mostly tolerant but extremely gossip-oriented workplace. I’m also naïve about it, because I’m new and generally like everyone in my office. There are a lot of cliques and tension between people. I’m not sure how importantly I figure into the equation yet. Does my personal life matter to these people? I don’t know, but sometimes I worry. One person I like very much saw Sam and I together, holding hands, and to my surprise she knew Sam because she had once lived next door to Sam and Diana. I don’t know if she told anyone. Does it matter? I can’t be sure.

It makes me nervous not to tell anyone that Sam is my OSO (other significant other) or also my partner, because I feel that not telling somehow suggests that I’m not proud or wholly invested in our relationship. We know that’s not true, of course, but we have to be pragmatic. We work in a tolerant environment, but we don’t really know how being “out” about our polyamory would affect us professionally. It can be exhilarating and quite unnerving sometimes.

I’d be curious to know what it’s like for other polyamorous people. Is it even an issue? Is discussing one’s personal life even relevant at the workplace?

Sam and I took a walk last night after I wrote all of the above and discussed these questions. The conclusions?

1. We have to be pragmatic.

We do not let our relationship affect our work. Enough said.

Furthermore, I need to stop worrying about it and not run my mouth. E.g., “You want to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona? That polyamory movie?” or “I find So-and-So cute. Actually, he’s quite hot. [co-worker’s laughter.] No, really, Tobias and I are quite open about finding other people attractive . . .”

2. It’s not relevant in the workplace.

The title says it all.

If it ever comes up, Sam thinks I should be honest. I’m resistant to this, even if I’ve let my mouth slip on occasion. To a co-worker I would say it’s none of their business; to my boss, I might assure her Tobias knows and it’s okay, and leave it at that. If it ever comes up, which I don’t think I will.

Also, I’m caught between being able to speak freely of Tobias and naught of Sam. I need to omit relationship conversation completely from my workplace conversations.

3. I am confusing my colleagues for friends.

Even though I spend more time with them on a daily basis than I do my close friends, I ultimately don’t know them and I won’t continue speaking to them after they or I depart from our office. The others are not my friends, as much as I might like them and enjoy their company.

Some of the people I work with or around, including one of my mentors, I consider telling. These are people I have known for a while, even before I started working, and whom I trust.


In any event, my thoughts continue to stumble about on this topic. This entry is clearly not an example in brevity, but the blog serves its purpose: to help me work out things going on in my life and deconstructing what has happened in the past.

What Being Poly Means to Me

(Originally written in July, as a way to find some closure for a difficult situation.)

You know, I don't think I live a distasteful or a morally questionable lifestyle. I worked hard in school. I love my family and friends, and would do anything for them at a moment’s notice. I work 40 hours a week for a college in an under-funded department. I like to take walks. I prefer reading a good book in bed, instead of going out and getting drunk at a bar (not that there's anything wrong with that). I enjoy a fine glass of wine and good conversation on gentle autumn evenings. I can be a bit fierce sometimes, but I try to be a good person and a good friend. I'm guilty of occasionally picking my nose and leaving the bathroom door open at home. I enjoy coffee perhaps a little too much. I plan to stay in the public sector, because I believe in education and social welfare. I want the world to be a safe and equal place for everyone. I take care of homeless animals on the weekend and try to make their lives a little better.

The only problem some people seem to have with me is the fact that I love two men, the fact that I have two boyfriends. Two partners. Two great loves. Two precious friends. Somehow loving two wonderful men and having healthy, equal, tender relationships with each of them is wrong.

I never intend to make my friends uncomfortable about being polyamorous. We don't want to throw polyamory in anyone's face. That would be counterproductive and cold-hearted of us. Regardless, I know some of my friends are or have felt uncomfortable. In many cases we've dealt with and continue to deal with that discomfort constructively. It hurts so much that we've lost friends because of polyamory. We do want our close friends, however, to know who we are. The reason is because we care about them deeply and don't want to conceal things from them. Not telling someone we care about or respect is akin to lying to them as well as lying to ourselves.

Being poly has been a breath of fresh air for me. I have realized a lot about myself and my dreams for the future in the last year. Polyamory, many or multiple loves, has given me a lot: a much stronger and more loving relationship with Tobias, an extensive vocabulary for honesty and communication, and insurmountable support. I am not sure I could have survived the last year without Tobias, Sam, and Sam’s wife Diana.

I love Tobias and Sam. I'm sorry if that's a problem to anyone reading this, but it's an inescapable truth. I wouldn't have it any other way.

the Princess visits

One of my dearest friends in the world, Victoria, visited this past week. She worked in DC this summer and will head back to her home country soon.

We met when I studied abroad in Europe during college. Every week we would go to the shore and eat sushi, an expensive but bonding habit. She tried to teach me German, but failed, so she let me speak bad French and rambling English to her. I introduced her to “good” American television and 19th-century American literature. We had many crazy adventures together, including descending upon her village to meet her parental units and cat. We stayed up late many nights talking about anything imaginable.

I’ve missed her.

Victoria is one of the first people I told about being polyamorous. She was there, in cyberspace, to discuss the concerns, problems, craziness, and joys of polyamory and starting a relationship with Sam. Tobias spoke to her too about his own worries. She’s been a wonderful resource and a devil’s advocate. She brought me a lot of perspective.

Tobias met her briefly when he and I toured Europe during my holiday from school, and Sam and Diana got to meet her when she arrived last week. I am glad she got to meet and spend so much time with Tobias and Sam. It feels good to finally introduce a person I consider family to more of my family.

Ike and lorikeets

Sam and I watched the Weather Channel last night. He insisted. Weather nerd.

We sipped wine, snuggled, made love, showered, then watched more weather coverage while snuggling. I love having these nights with him even though I missed Tobias, who was hanging out with some friends. Last night was very domestic and sweet.

It’s best when we can be with each other, without real time constraints, and enjoy each other’s company. We work near each other, so we get to see each other quite often during the day, but personal intimate time can be scarce sometimes. Occasionally we can sleep together overnight, but that’s pretty rare. Tobias has evenings out with friends at least once a week, though, which means Sam and I can see each other, go out, have coffee, snug at home, be us. It’s nice.

Sam meant to leave around eleven, but I asked him to hold me and we fell asleep for a while. So snuggy.

For some reason this recalls the day I posted a picture of a lorikeet on my personal blog last September, in order to display my excitement for an upcoming potluck breakfast and zoo visit. Not one of the six people going on said visit said a word, which made me worry they weren’t excited. When I asked Sam about it, Sam replied that he and Diana didn’t reply because they were confused about my intentions.

“Why?” I asked, confused myself.

That’s when I found out, much to my surprise and mortification, that parrots are symbols of polyamory. They thought I was sending a message of some sort, but didn’t know what or why.

“NO!” I replied desperately, “I was just excited about the lorikeets! They’re . . . lorikeets!”

He just laughed and hugged me. What a guy.

Missing

Diana’s mother died last week. Sam and Diana have been in and out of town, flying half-way across the country at least a dozen times between them over the last two months. It was a long time coming, but no less upsetting than something sudden. They came back today.

Even when they have good reasons, I miss Tobias and Sam terribly when they’re away or I from them. It’s hard to be apart from them, even if one of them is around. I get anxious and often cranky, but I hide it when serious or important things happen. I can survive and it’s not good to further emotionally stress either of my partners.

Sam and I haven’t been able to speak much in the last couple weeks, though he did come home for three days last week to decompress and recharge so he could support Diana. He’s a good, good man.

Tobias and I are starting to worry that we’re losing two of our friends, Mark and Caroline. They’re fading away. We talked about it on Sunday and it didn’t bother me initially – I didn’t want it to, the last time this happened I freaked out and nothing constructive happened – but as the week has progressed I realize it is bothering me. Coupled with Sam not being here, being in a different time zone and not being available much to talk, the friends issue, and some stress at work, I’ve become sad and frustrated. It’s better than getting angry, which I’m prone to do, but I sort of shut down instead. I felt lonely and ignored, even if I acknowledge the irrationality; Sam and Diana were very, very busy. Tobias and I talked about it, which made me feel better. I apologized to Sam today for being distant when we talked last night (how fitting that I didn’t want to talk). I shouldn’t have taken it out on him.

Sam and Diana came over after dinner tonight, which was good. Sam and I got to spend some time together while Tobias walked Diana home.

I missed him. We’re glad they’re home.

the (late) beginning

I have created this blog in order to talk about something private in a rather public way. Ironically, I haven’t been able to be open or honest in my private journal about polyamory, my two partners, or the moments I have shared with them. I want to utilize this space to recall my experiences in the last year and to track my life as it stands now in regards to polyamory.

As I began to explore and admittedly fumble with polyamory just over a year ago, the journal in question did not feel like a tolerant or open place to discuss my new relationship. Many people including the person with whom I live and eventually plan to marry, my other partner and his spouse, and several of our friends and family have access to my journal. Simultaneously beginning a new relationship and finding out for the first time what polyamory even meant was extremely personal. It made me feel at once wonderful and vulnerable, and unsure whom I could tell or even how to tell.

I don’t like having to make specific ‘friends groups’ when I post entries. I have also never felt like writing completely private posts, because I want feedback and foils to my own thoughts. I use my journal to record events in my life in order to show myself later where I’ve been and who I’ve become.

Yet, until very recently, I have not spoken about one of the most critical aspects of my life: love.

As a result of the aforementioned things, I have never properly documented my relationships or the transformation of my world views. One day I would like to go back and consider how I felt about this part of my life. We have had very good things happen, and also very bad things. It’s important to talk about these things. Even if my entries eventually consist of quotidian things like grocery shopping or lunchtime musings with either of my partners, I will be happy.

I don’t know how often I’ll update this blog. Changing names and editing out certain details will frustrate me; however, I need this. I am proud of who I am. I need the nebulous, ‘anonymous’ space of the world wide web to discuss the effects polyamory has had on our lives and the joy of being in love.