jealousy

Today I vegged in front of the television at my folks’, flipping back and forth between old episodes of Degrassi and the films To Die For, Little Children, and Brokeback Mountain. For those unfamiliar, all of these moving pictures encompass topics of jealousy, cheating, repressed sexuality, or a combination of those.

Forgetting for a moment that I like the aforementioned films and the Canadian television show about awkward adolescence – that once, long ago, seemed to somewhat accurately portray high school life – I felt absurdly proud to be polyamorous and happy.

None of these productions ends well: Sarah and Brad ultimately cannot be together because Sarah feels obligated to her family despite her loveless marriage and Brad can’t admit to himself what he truly wants, so he withers; annoyingly, Brad’s wife spends half of Little Children moping or glaring at him with tear-stricken eyes. Ennis, of course, never lets go of his socially constructed shame in order to fully accept Jack as the person he loves most in the world even in the liminal, welcoming space of Brokeback Mountain. In To Die For, the ruthless Suzanne Stone seduces a dim-witted high school kid to kill her husband, whose family subsequently has her killed (in a feminist critique, I would say that the family simply could not deal with a strong-willed woman in charge of her sexuality and intent on success. They needed to eliminate her in order to reestablish the repressive heteronormative male-dominated monogamous social order . . . either way, not a good situation). On Degrassi, underage sex, cheating, lying, bloodshed and general high school malaise assure me no one will ever be happy unless we all go drown in an icy lake somewhere so we never have to deal with our bad communication issues. I digress.

A character on Degrassi named Paige told a friend consolingly, “Jealousy is a nasty thing,” but both seemed to accept the state as a reality rather than an exception. In this particular episode, Spinner – Paige’s ex – does not adequately recognize that his obsessive Christian girlfriend not only is crazy jealous (to the point of violence) of Spinner’s past girlfriends but also of any woman Spinner comes into contact with; she also can’t deal with the fact that Spinner is a sexual being, though admittedly he does lie to her about being a virgin. Spinner, of course, out of nowhere starts kissing Paige, who just broke up with her girlfriend, then tries to go back to Darcy and make like everything’s okay. People really do this!! (It actually does shock me.)

Occasionally I feel jealousy toward Diana. In fact, I’m suffering through some now. It is always a hard admission to make to myself. The jealousy surrounds the sort of time she gets to spend with him and, conversely, the time that I do not have with him.

But I don’t want to be jealous. I actively try to move forward away from that verdant beast. I’m still feeling lonely and out of sorts, but I am confident I can work through it with Sam, Tobias and Diana’s help.

You can address jealousy constructively. You can talk about it. It may take a while to even recognize that what you’re feeling is jealousy and it may hurt to discuss it, but jealousy can be sorted through and eliminated if you’re willing to work at it.

Jealousy is not worth the pain it causes. Even if you’re not poly, you shouldn’t have to wonder about your partner. Ask them if you think something’s going on. Talk about your feelings and your worries. Don’t suffer in silence, even if you feel paranoid. You’ll just resent the other person and yourself.

Jealousy kills a person’s spirit. It’s certainly wreaking havoc on me right now. I understand hesitating to talk about jealousy or longing or what you really need, because you’re scared, but it’s bullshit not to address it. Do it sooner than later.

frustration

Sam and I had some issues on my birthday, which happened recently, and we didn’t get to resolve it in person. I can’t say it has ruined the holidays, but it’s certainly put a damper on them.

We won’t see each other again until at least Sunday. I felt sick to my stomach the whole day after he and Diana left for a destination over two hours away. Each time I’ve talked to him, I’ve felt sick or become emotional. I need to see him and the impossibility of that is killing me right now.

We spoke on the phone that evening. It made things better, but I still don’t feel good about the situation and I told him that tonight – of course, over the phone, where neither of us feel particularly comfortable discussing hard topics (though he, having a big heart and a need to fix things and to make everyone around him happy, will talk more readily about a problem than I will).

What happened, more or less, was a miscommunication about when Sam and Diana were leaving the morning after my birthday; the fact that Sam and I did not get a lot of personal time while they were visiting; and Sam, sensing my sadness that morning, did not start being affectionate with me until after my mother came downstairs and I literally had to push him away from/off of me right when we needed each other most. All of that was very difficult for both us.

Our issues did not get resolved because we were at my parents’ house and there was no space to deal with our miscommunication. That is perhaps one of the hardest parts of our relationship: we often lack the space and time to figure out our problems.

Whenever he and I have to part, or cannot be together privately, before we work out a problem, I become shaky and agitated. I can’t think straight. I melt down. We had a miscommunication at his parents’ house back in late May and similarly could not work it out because we were around his parents and a friend, none of whom know about our relationship. The stress made me cry and shake. I’m wondering now if some of the stress comes from not knowing how he’s feeling, because I can’t see his face or hear his voice and because I think irrationally that he can somehow deal better with our mutual hurt than I can – and then I melt down more.

All the more worse is Tobias left to spend Christmas with his family. I miss them both right now.

I am frustrated. I will not lie. I am upset and sad. And I am pushing Sam away right now because when we talk my heart feels like it wants to implode. I have a mental block about crying in front of him; it’s getting better and I’m trying to open up more, but this problem has opened up some wounds. I also just feel like shit because it seems very childish and immature and selfish of me to complain about being lonely.

The world of dew

Sam and I fully consummated our relationship a year ago, give or take a week.

Last Monday we pushed ourselves further than we have ever done.

Sam has a fetish that does not exactly, to put it mildly, get me off. It’s not something I ever fantasized in a sexual partner. And yet, and yet: I completely respond to his excitement in the act. His feelings flood into me. I am struck by his desire, his need. Such moments compel me into action. I cannot deny him. His need arouses me. His desire undoes me.

Tobias is not exactly a fan of one of my own kinks, and he tends to be the dominant sexual partner when we make love. I full enjoy that, but there’s part of me that wants to shift or blur the power roles. Sam enjoys being dominant with Diana, but she will (can) not switch and he wants to submit on occasion.

We’ve played together in this way in the past, but nothing completely serious. We had attempted to push ourselves in this way a few months ago, but coupled with my lack of confidence and nerves it didn’t coalesce into what we wanted. Last Monday, after we both fought for control of the situation and Sam finally relented, I took control.

Apparently I said things to him that I don’t remember. I tried to keep my wits about me, but I lost myself in it. We both did. It was an extremely powerful evening that left us both shaking.

It is virtually impossible for me to adequately describe how it feels to be excited by my partner’s excitement. I reeled for days after our latest encounter.

This says much to me about the way polyamory can be beneficial, physically and emotionally. We can navigate our fantasies that do not work for either Diana or Tobias, even though we love them deeply. Sam and I are also able to pair our individual fantasies together and negotiate how what we both want can come from one event. Not only do we experience something we could not with our other partners, the encounter brings us closer together because we have opened up a part of ourselves that is unfamiliar. It is intimidating yet arousing. Of course we both fumble, but the uncertainty heightens the moment and strengthens us.

just some stuff

Sam and I had a nice walk tonight. We sat on a bench in a local park and talked about our motivations and goals. Tobias approached me yesterday about his own worries for his career and the possibility of going back into school, so we must start getting truly serious about our finances and our plans for the future. Sam would be happy to be called one of my sounding boards (and he already knows he’s one of my best friends, along with Tobias). I want to be as supportive as I can of Tobias’ needs, but I was worried so Sam helped me get through some of those fears by simply helping me voice them.

I asked Sam to come to my parents’ house this weekend with Tobias and me to do some pre-Christmas and pre-Thanksgiving activities with us. Sam and Tobias both shot down this idea because Diana cannot come and both men think it would be super problematic if only Sam tagged along.

Mind, I find it most amusing when my mother asks if Diana is okay with me spending so much time with Sam or when Sam’s mother starts questioning his relationship with me – our mothers are most perceptive, it appears – but I do wish truly that I could be open and “out of the closet” with my family. To have that openness and to be that open, even slightly akin to this woman at UM-Morris, with my parents would be amazing. I wish we could feel that comfortable with our folks. We’re all worried our parents will freak out, per se, were they to find out.

I don’t like lying to my parents, whom I love and respect deeply. They like Sam and Diana already. I’m amazed, if saddened, that I’ve been able to keep Sam a secret so long: going on a year and a half now. It hurts that I can’t share casual, touching moments or silly stories about Sam with my mom, unless somehow I awkwardly color them so she doesn’t get the “wrong idea.” Perhaps we fret too much – perhaps they’ll be just fine. Eventually they’ll find out, probably. I hope we can be the ones to tell them, of course, so they do not jump to poor conclusions or feel awkward around us.

If anyone reads this and has a similar situation, how did or would you tell your close family?

Today was a good day. I just worry – a lot. Je suis worry-wort. Now off to bed, for I am a busy woman and the world doesn’t stop for me.

ambiguities

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a marathon – think of something that turns you topsy-turvy but promises to put you down safely in the end.

Election Night was wild and euphoric for my friends and me. About twenty of us munched on pizza and tacos, and drank beer or red or blue drinks, for about eight hours, at Sam and Diana’s house. Some of us spent a large amount of time in the hot tub, chatting amicably and watching the results come in on a screen upon which we projected CNN.

When CNN announced Obama’s win, there was a lot of euphoria. Throughout the later returns there was a lot of euphoria. There was in turn a lot of hugging and kissing of various people. I kissed one of our mutual friends, Tobias kissed a woman we had just met, and Sam kissed a woman he’s known for a long time, although by that time I was helping the man I kissed in the bathroom after becoming both drunk and dehydrated.

Definitely felt some jealousy and some frustration with finding myself jealous, even though I also kissed someone who was neither of my partners. (Initially I didn’t care and after a couple days of processing my jealousy has subsided.) From my perspective, I suppose, the issue was both Tobias and Sam kissed women they both find attractive. I find the man I kissed extremely attractive, but I am unwilling to push with him because I don’t want to fracture my time with Tobias and Sam anymore than it already is; furthermore, the man in question and his lovely partner have rules that they will not engage with another person unless they’re both involved – while I adore his girlfriend, I’m not interested in her sexually. I like him very much, but at the moment I don’t see how this leads to anything besides what we already have: a great friendship. And I guess I am (was) unclear what Tobias and Sam’s hopes were in relation to the women they kissed. That’s been a little difficult to deal with, but Sam, Tobias and I have talked about it so I can work through it.

Tobias went out for coffee on Saturday with the woman he kissed at the party and it didn’t pan out for him in the way he thought it would, i.e., dating her. The woman described herself as highly affectionate toward others, nothing more. I feel sorry for Tobias because he had a lot of hope and excitement for something to happen between them – only to be let down. Interestingly, even though I was (am) apprehensive (contradictorily) about the prospect of Tobias dating another woman seriously, I feel quite defensive of him: he’s a fantastic person, how dare she reject him! Heh.

I don’t know really how to end this. It’s sort of bemusing to think about the last week. Our lives do not revolve around sex, rather around each other and the complexity of the relationships we have with other people (whether it be with a lover, a friend, or a family member). I appreciate it deeply, but the nature of my life is sometimes that I feel I cannot adequately interpret it without cascading asides and digressions. Were I asked to write an autobiography (unlikely), I would describe my life in a series of parentheses.

corridor flirting

Beyond a minor car accident (not our fault, but still on my mind!), Sam and I had a nice day and date yesterday. Some communication about foreplay translated well during lunch. We did not end up pumpkin patching, but he convinced me to eat several types of unnerving seafood – e.g., some had tentacles and suckers, gah! Overall we had a very nice evening together.

On a different topic, I’ve never dealt with a seriously jealous boyfriend nor have I ever been a jealous girlfriend. I promised myself, well before accepting polyamory as part of me, that I would never get involved in a relationship where jealousy could manifest itself either passive aggressively or physically. It’s liberating to walk hand-in-hand with your partner – in this case, Tobias – calmly discussing people you find attractive or with whom you flirt, why you have a crush on someone, what types of people to whom you find yourself attracted, and how much you love and are delighted by your partner all at the same time. Regardless of whether we’d pursue seriously these crushes or flirtations (probably not), it makes us feel good to do it and equally express it in a safe space. Questioning each other’s taste also causes a lot of laughter.

leaves are turning

Having an established date night, as I’ve already mentioned, has eliminated a good deal of my stress. Knowing that Sam and I have something to look forward to together allows me to settle down and stop worrying about the next time we’ll see one another. It helps me deal with Diana’s emotional state, too, somehow.

It also helps my relationship with Tobias, since I can focus on him. We have had a lot of unfiltered us time. We had a wonderful day together today, relaxing after an eight-hour harvest and pumpkin carving party we hosted. We lounged about, had coffee, did a bit of shopping, cleaned the house, played with a neighborhood cat, and fully enjoyed each other’s company.

Tomorrow is Sam’s and my ‘second date,’ so to speak. I am going to ask him to take me to a local pumpkin patch before dinner.

how to handle love

Monday went off with several hitches. I wrote about it last night and promptly stored it away. Taking a deep breath and thinking about it, our date night went quite well. And it will get better. I told Diana that we can all get through this together and will support each other.

Tobias and Sam have come through for me this week like the shining stars they are. They have been emotionally and physically supportive. Monday evening Tobias turned around when he was driving to come home and see me when I needed him. Today I was very sick at work and Sam drove me home where he took care of me before heading back after lunch.

And Sam, oh, Sam, watched America’s Next Top Model with me while Tobias tried to act uninterested. It’s nice that they humor me.

decompressing

I haven’t written lately because my work and personal life has been very busy, and when I come home at night I tend to veg, take a brief walk, read a little, then go to sleep.

Sam and I, after stumbling around emotionally for a week, finally determined a date and time to talk – this past Monday. I completely choked up. Could barely say anything. It was too long and I hadn’t had time to sit down and hash out with myself what I thought we needed to talk about.

It took a long time that evening to push past my inability to speak and began to broach subjects. Now, rereading previous entries to this journal, make me feel for sure that we had a productive conversation.

I cried when we made love. I do not know how I want to feel about such instances: it happens extremely rarely, possibly two or three times in my life, including after a hard (i.e., sad) night with Tobias a few weeks before I left for a year abroad in Europe. It was . . . cleansing. Relief.

We didn’t get as far as either of us wanted, but we figured out an important thing like spending quality time together rather than “quantity time.” We realized we have sought each other out a lot recently, but instead of it making us feel better it makes us feel wanting and unfulfilled. We couldn’t talk to each other comfortably or long enough in the short bursts of time we had together. We decided we need a prescribed date night, much in the way Sam and Diana exclusively reserve Fridays for themselves. In a way I was jealous of this, but I feel much better knowing that he and I have time set away specifically for each other rather than always trying to arrange something.

We agreed that this means that we will not see as much of each other in the evenings during the week. Sam has a busy schedule, I have some projects I need to tackle and have been avoiding, and both Tobias and Diana remarked that Sam and I were seeing more of each other than usual. (I disagree, because I felt that time wasn’t of much quality, but I can see what they were saying.) We don’t have to say to each other, “So when can I see you next?” and have the answer be, “I’m not sure, let me check.” We know. The structure is there. Barring a huge conflict, we’ll have that from now on.

Honestly, I’m relieved. This will work much better for me. My stress levels that usually heighten in the evenings plummeted this week.

medicine

I broached the subject with Sam on Saturday after I got upset again when Sam had to hurry home. Tobias and I, of course, left to go visit parents that night and stayed through the end of the weekend, so Sam and I didn’t see each other until Monday. Sam got sick over the weekend and has continued to be sick. We spoke briefly about the subjects that we need to go into at lunch, then took a walk in the evening. Neither of us seemed up to it last night, and Sam was out of it. We didn’t have a space to sit down and talk it out hard, either, as Tobias was home and Diana anti-people while she worked on her curriculum. Today we didn’t have a lot of time together, and he is still feeling bad, so as of right now we still haven’t spoken in the way that we need.

I feel distanced enough from last week’s frustration and tears that I fear I won’t adequately express myself once we get a chance. Deflation rears its head.

The “talk,” as it were, is looming over me ominously enough that all I want to do is throw it away and forget about it so I can enjoy my time with him. Unfortunately that can’t happen, as that’s exactly what I’ve done in the past and I know that makes me unhappy.

For the past few days Tobias and I have been in contact (separately) with Alex from “from the watchtower.” Alex’s last message details how upset he is that Anna cheated on him, yet he said that he will “ride the wave” and enjoy his time with Anna to “the best of my ability.” I responded:

Just be aware of what you need, Alex, and let Anna know. It's okay to say to her, ‘Hey, I really need you right now.’ It's important to be fair to everyone involved in a polyamorous situation, but it's perfectly acceptable to have needs and voice them.

Our E-mail exchange about polyamory forces me to recall exactly why I kissed Sam for the first time, without hesitation, under the trees on that late, cool August afternoon – and also what I’ve been fucking up. Obviously I need to swallow some of my own medicine.

a form of communication

The previous post burns me and I just uploaded it.

The positive thing about ripping myself apart to the anonymous space of a blog comes in stating my problems at all. Writing clarifies things for me. My voice appears. I choke up trying to express myself if something hurts and I haven’t hashed it out on paper (or in hypertext, as the case may be). While my muscles have stiffened and my eyes leak, I feel as if I can actually begin to convey this all to Sam in a productive way.

self ass-kicking

Tobias asked me several times this evening if Sam and I are doing okay. He said that we’ve seen a lot of each other recently and he wondered if something might be wrong.

To me, I don’t see Sam enough. I am trying to not buckle under this fact right now.

I have trouble spilling my guts to Sam or crying in front of him very often. It’s taken a lot to accept that this resistance stems from nervousness, or rather fear, that if I have too big of a meltdown (like everyone has once in a while) I’ll end up pushing him away. Half of me shouts that that’s irrational, half of me doubts. Essential to polyamory is open communication and honesty. I never lie egregiously to Sam, but I often deflect when I’m mad at or disappointed in him, or when I’m sad or depressed about something.

What further colors my inability to communicate is that, again, I don’t feel like I see him enough. If we have an issue, Sam and I have to speed up the communication and healing process in a way we don’t have to with Diana and Tobias, respectively. The same with romance or personal time. We are on a time-crunch, always.

I feel like going into it (whatever it is) could hurt us and we don’t have time to really gel. Unlike when Tobias and I have an argument, I can’t go to sleep holding Sam then wake up with him in the morning to make sure again that we’re okay. It’s not possible in our relationship. We lack the space. I can’t and wouldn’t insist he needs to stay the night so we can have what is normal healing for Tobias and me. Where would Tobias go? What about Diana? Yes, I can see Sam at work to hug and kiss and reassure him/myself, but it’s not the same. I still have to go back to work and I don’t go home to him.

There is always a termination point. Sam has to go home after we make love. We go to our respective homes after we take our walk. It’s reality. I shouldn’t fuss. We do get to spend a couple nights together every month or so, which I love. We get serious us-time and it fills us with a wonderful energy. It’s also exciting to have a hasty but tender tryst together, because time is precious and we must enjoy every second of it. But occasionally I want to bury myself in the blankets when he leaves and forget that he’s gone.

Sam came over last Friday night and held me while I cried. I barely spoke, but he got it after a while. I made him leave even though I desperately wanted him to stay, because I couldn’t stand it if I was a burden to his and Diana’s relationship. I worry that will hurt us too. (I probably wouldn’t really believe Diana if she said that wouldn’t be so, because I’m a dolt and scared.) And I’m scared, I guess, to truly express my needs and worries.

Sam definitely knows that I do this; we’ve discussed it in general terms. He wants me to feel free and safe to talk to him, and I want to as well. He pushes back when I push away, which relieves me in spite of my ridiculousness.

On Wednesday evening, we took a walk and it took a while for us to talk in-depth, although we thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. Sam likes to push his loved ones to tell him what’s wrong so he can fix things. He’s a fixer – it’s how he makes himself happy. (He typically ignores himself in this process, which frustrates me.) It’s too much for me sometimes and it can hurt, especially when I’m acting stupid (see third paragraph) and don’t want to talk but should.

This last week burned me out. Work was rough and I cried for almost the entire lunch hour on Thursday. (Of course I cry in front of Sam after I promised him (myself) that I wouldn’t. That never works.) I took some criticism from my amazing boss way too personally. That, combined with stress from all different directions, pushed me over the edge. Sam calmed me down and put the situation into perspective, which makes me love him even more, but I ended up feeling that I wasted that precious hour with him by crying.

He doesn’t see it that way. If only I could too.

In all of this, despite my wanting to spend more time with Sam, I will not give up my time with Tobias. I won’t jeopardize my relationship with him either. All I can do is throw out more Catch-22s, yes?

This post is terrible. Sigh.

I don’t understand myself. I know what’s wrong, but I can’t make myself fix it. Without doubt, I know that Sam will be there for me and with me when I decide to tear down the floodgates I’ve erected. Hiding my nerves just engenders more nerves. But I keep setting myself up to run in dizzying circles, patching the leaks haphazardly. I love him.

He deserves better from me.

from the watchtower

An old friend who I’ve known since elementary school called tonight to ask my advice.

Anna has been dating Dale and Alex off and on for almost a year now, ever since a nasty break-up. She met and liked both around the same time, dated them casually along with two other men who have dropped off the radar, became much closer with them both. Alex and Dale both wanted Anna to themselves, and she caved to both of them a couple times. (She bounced between them.) She still lives in our hometown, so I don’t really keep tabs on what she does. According to her, she gave up Dale to be with Alex, but realized in the last month that she’s happy with Alex but miserable without Dale.

To sum it up, she cheated on Alex with Dale. She didn’t make excuses when she told Alex shortly after, but explained she wanted to be with Dale also. She then sat down with both of them and presented the idea that she could be with both of them, if they were willing.

Let me just say: this is really NOT a good way to start trying polyamory.

Anna wanted to know if I would consider talking to Alex about polyamory, something basic in an E-mail. He is scared and worried, unsure why she needs someone else or how she could love two people at once.

Before I even agreed to E-mail him, Anna and I talked about the importance of honesty and communication. She needs to let him talk to her, to let him cry, to let him talk out his worries with his conservative friends, to let him be held by her and feel wanted. She needs to work on trust between them. She needs to bring Dale and Alex together, to talk. She also needs to accept this arrangement could fail.

I sympathize with Alex because after Sam and I started dating, Tobias was sporadically out of sorts for months and I with him. We had a long process with lots of tears in which we dealt with our own fears and needs. We emerged better from it, but I can understand how where someone might break. Regardless of whether you feel completely monogamous or polyamorous, being in a relationship is tough. Being in more than one is tougher.

Consider the emotional strain you put on yourself when you even entertain polyamory, whether you’re “wired” for it or not. Will it be worth it in the long run? Putting your loved one(s) and yourself through an incredibly stressful situation could rock you more than you thought it would. We stuck it out because we determined my relationship with Tobias and my relationship with Sam had value and could be managed, with lots of work. I definitely wish it could have happened with less headache and tears, but I wouldn’t give up what I’ve gained in having them.

For Anna, I hope she can work things out and no one gets hurt. She has a tough road ahead of her.

Talking to Others — Poly at Work

I thought I might write about how I personally deal with polyamory and being “out” or keeping silent in various social situations: family, friends, at work, etc.

Talking to Others—Poly at Work

Mum’s the word for us. Some of Diana’s peers are aware, but I don’t know how much they’ve told anyone else. Only one co-worker of Tobias’ has known, and that person was a good friend prior to Tobias working with him.

Since Sam and I technically work together, but our co-workers only formally know our partners as Diana and Tobias respectively, it can be a challenge. We see each other a lot for breaks and lunch, as it’s the chance to be together without taking time away from Diana or Tobias. Some people confuse me for Sam’s wife. We don’t correct them. Sam is one of my best friends and occasional carpool buddy, as well as my lover, but we don’t mention that last part. We tone down our affection when co-workers or supervisors are near. We’ve definitely had some interesting incidents.

I work in a mostly tolerant but extremely gossip-oriented workplace. I’m also naïve about it, because I’m new and generally like everyone in my office. There are a lot of cliques and tension between people. I’m not sure how importantly I figure into the equation yet. Does my personal life matter to these people? I don’t know, but sometimes I worry. One person I like very much saw Sam and I together, holding hands, and to my surprise she knew Sam because she had once lived next door to Sam and Diana. I don’t know if she told anyone. Does it matter? I can’t be sure.

It makes me nervous not to tell anyone that Sam is my OSO (other significant other) or also my partner, because I feel that not telling somehow suggests that I’m not proud or wholly invested in our relationship. We know that’s not true, of course, but we have to be pragmatic. We work in a tolerant environment, but we don’t really know how being “out” about our polyamory would affect us professionally. It can be exhilarating and quite unnerving sometimes.

I’d be curious to know what it’s like for other polyamorous people. Is it even an issue? Is discussing one’s personal life even relevant at the workplace?

Sam and I took a walk last night after I wrote all of the above and discussed these questions. The conclusions?

1. We have to be pragmatic.

We do not let our relationship affect our work. Enough said.

Furthermore, I need to stop worrying about it and not run my mouth. E.g., “You want to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona? That polyamory movie?” or “I find So-and-So cute. Actually, he’s quite hot. [co-worker’s laughter.] No, really, Tobias and I are quite open about finding other people attractive . . .”

2. It’s not relevant in the workplace.

The title says it all.

If it ever comes up, Sam thinks I should be honest. I’m resistant to this, even if I’ve let my mouth slip on occasion. To a co-worker I would say it’s none of their business; to my boss, I might assure her Tobias knows and it’s okay, and leave it at that. If it ever comes up, which I don’t think I will.

Also, I’m caught between being able to speak freely of Tobias and naught of Sam. I need to omit relationship conversation completely from my workplace conversations.

3. I am confusing my colleagues for friends.

Even though I spend more time with them on a daily basis than I do my close friends, I ultimately don’t know them and I won’t continue speaking to them after they or I depart from our office. The others are not my friends, as much as I might like them and enjoy their company.

Some of the people I work with or around, including one of my mentors, I consider telling. These are people I have known for a while, even before I started working, and whom I trust.


In any event, my thoughts continue to stumble about on this topic. This entry is clearly not an example in brevity, but the blog serves its purpose: to help me work out things going on in my life and deconstructing what has happened in the past.

What Being Poly Means to Me

(Originally written in July, as a way to find some closure for a difficult situation.)

You know, I don't think I live a distasteful or a morally questionable lifestyle. I worked hard in school. I love my family and friends, and would do anything for them at a moment’s notice. I work 40 hours a week for a college in an under-funded department. I like to take walks. I prefer reading a good book in bed, instead of going out and getting drunk at a bar (not that there's anything wrong with that). I enjoy a fine glass of wine and good conversation on gentle autumn evenings. I can be a bit fierce sometimes, but I try to be a good person and a good friend. I'm guilty of occasionally picking my nose and leaving the bathroom door open at home. I enjoy coffee perhaps a little too much. I plan to stay in the public sector, because I believe in education and social welfare. I want the world to be a safe and equal place for everyone. I take care of homeless animals on the weekend and try to make their lives a little better.

The only problem some people seem to have with me is the fact that I love two men, the fact that I have two boyfriends. Two partners. Two great loves. Two precious friends. Somehow loving two wonderful men and having healthy, equal, tender relationships with each of them is wrong.

I never intend to make my friends uncomfortable about being polyamorous. We don't want to throw polyamory in anyone's face. That would be counterproductive and cold-hearted of us. Regardless, I know some of my friends are or have felt uncomfortable. In many cases we've dealt with and continue to deal with that discomfort constructively. It hurts so much that we've lost friends because of polyamory. We do want our close friends, however, to know who we are. The reason is because we care about them deeply and don't want to conceal things from them. Not telling someone we care about or respect is akin to lying to them as well as lying to ourselves.

Being poly has been a breath of fresh air for me. I have realized a lot about myself and my dreams for the future in the last year. Polyamory, many or multiple loves, has given me a lot: a much stronger and more loving relationship with Tobias, an extensive vocabulary for honesty and communication, and insurmountable support. I am not sure I could have survived the last year without Tobias, Sam, and Sam’s wife Diana.

I love Tobias and Sam. I'm sorry if that's a problem to anyone reading this, but it's an inescapable truth. I wouldn't have it any other way.

the Princess visits

One of my dearest friends in the world, Victoria, visited this past week. She worked in DC this summer and will head back to her home country soon.

We met when I studied abroad in Europe during college. Every week we would go to the shore and eat sushi, an expensive but bonding habit. She tried to teach me German, but failed, so she let me speak bad French and rambling English to her. I introduced her to “good” American television and 19th-century American literature. We had many crazy adventures together, including descending upon her village to meet her parental units and cat. We stayed up late many nights talking about anything imaginable.

I’ve missed her.

Victoria is one of the first people I told about being polyamorous. She was there, in cyberspace, to discuss the concerns, problems, craziness, and joys of polyamory and starting a relationship with Sam. Tobias spoke to her too about his own worries. She’s been a wonderful resource and a devil’s advocate. She brought me a lot of perspective.

Tobias met her briefly when he and I toured Europe during my holiday from school, and Sam and Diana got to meet her when she arrived last week. I am glad she got to meet and spend so much time with Tobias and Sam. It feels good to finally introduce a person I consider family to more of my family.

Ike and lorikeets

Sam and I watched the Weather Channel last night. He insisted. Weather nerd.

We sipped wine, snuggled, made love, showered, then watched more weather coverage while snuggling. I love having these nights with him even though I missed Tobias, who was hanging out with some friends. Last night was very domestic and sweet.

It’s best when we can be with each other, without real time constraints, and enjoy each other’s company. We work near each other, so we get to see each other quite often during the day, but personal intimate time can be scarce sometimes. Occasionally we can sleep together overnight, but that’s pretty rare. Tobias has evenings out with friends at least once a week, though, which means Sam and I can see each other, go out, have coffee, snug at home, be us. It’s nice.

Sam meant to leave around eleven, but I asked him to hold me and we fell asleep for a while. So snuggy.

For some reason this recalls the day I posted a picture of a lorikeet on my personal blog last September, in order to display my excitement for an upcoming potluck breakfast and zoo visit. Not one of the six people going on said visit said a word, which made me worry they weren’t excited. When I asked Sam about it, Sam replied that he and Diana didn’t reply because they were confused about my intentions.

“Why?” I asked, confused myself.

That’s when I found out, much to my surprise and mortification, that parrots are symbols of polyamory. They thought I was sending a message of some sort, but didn’t know what or why.

“NO!” I replied desperately, “I was just excited about the lorikeets! They’re . . . lorikeets!”

He just laughed and hugged me. What a guy.

Missing

Diana’s mother died last week. Sam and Diana have been in and out of town, flying half-way across the country at least a dozen times between them over the last two months. It was a long time coming, but no less upsetting than something sudden. They came back today.

Even when they have good reasons, I miss Tobias and Sam terribly when they’re away or I from them. It’s hard to be apart from them, even if one of them is around. I get anxious and often cranky, but I hide it when serious or important things happen. I can survive and it’s not good to further emotionally stress either of my partners.

Sam and I haven’t been able to speak much in the last couple weeks, though he did come home for three days last week to decompress and recharge so he could support Diana. He’s a good, good man.

Tobias and I are starting to worry that we’re losing two of our friends, Mark and Caroline. They’re fading away. We talked about it on Sunday and it didn’t bother me initially – I didn’t want it to, the last time this happened I freaked out and nothing constructive happened – but as the week has progressed I realize it is bothering me. Coupled with Sam not being here, being in a different time zone and not being available much to talk, the friends issue, and some stress at work, I’ve become sad and frustrated. It’s better than getting angry, which I’m prone to do, but I sort of shut down instead. I felt lonely and ignored, even if I acknowledge the irrationality; Sam and Diana were very, very busy. Tobias and I talked about it, which made me feel better. I apologized to Sam today for being distant when we talked last night (how fitting that I didn’t want to talk). I shouldn’t have taken it out on him.

Sam and Diana came over after dinner tonight, which was good. Sam and I got to spend some time together while Tobias walked Diana home.

I missed him. We’re glad they’re home.

the (late) beginning

I have created this blog in order to talk about something private in a rather public way. Ironically, I haven’t been able to be open or honest in my private journal about polyamory, my two partners, or the moments I have shared with them. I want to utilize this space to recall my experiences in the last year and to track my life as it stands now in regards to polyamory.

As I began to explore and admittedly fumble with polyamory just over a year ago, the journal in question did not feel like a tolerant or open place to discuss my new relationship. Many people including the person with whom I live and eventually plan to marry, my other partner and his spouse, and several of our friends and family have access to my journal. Simultaneously beginning a new relationship and finding out for the first time what polyamory even meant was extremely personal. It made me feel at once wonderful and vulnerable, and unsure whom I could tell or even how to tell.

I don’t like having to make specific ‘friends groups’ when I post entries. I have also never felt like writing completely private posts, because I want feedback and foils to my own thoughts. I use my journal to record events in my life in order to show myself later where I’ve been and who I’ve become.

Yet, until very recently, I have not spoken about one of the most critical aspects of my life: love.

As a result of the aforementioned things, I have never properly documented my relationships or the transformation of my world views. One day I would like to go back and consider how I felt about this part of my life. We have had very good things happen, and also very bad things. It’s important to talk about these things. Even if my entries eventually consist of quotidian things like grocery shopping or lunchtime musings with either of my partners, I will be happy.

I don’t know how often I’ll update this blog. Changing names and editing out certain details will frustrate me; however, I need this. I am proud of who I am. I need the nebulous, ‘anonymous’ space of the world wide web to discuss the effects polyamory has had on our lives and the joy of being in love.