ambivalence

Tobias has recently (earlyish April) begun a quasi-relationship with a mutual friend, Olivia. I say quasi because she lives over five hours away currently and they have said they won’t officially date until and unless she moves back to where we are now. She was in town this week for a job interview but hasn’t heard anything. They have been friends for many years. I have known her for a little less, but not much. She dated one of Tobias’ close friends and even got engaged to the man, secretly, until they had a nasty break-up last year.

I’m not this woman’s biggest fan, I’ll be frank. I don’t feel positively or negatively toward her. At best, I feel neutral to her; at worst, I find her pretty annoying, but I figure she’ll leave my apartment soon and I won’t have to deal with her for a while. That sounds immature of me; however, that’s essentially how my relationship with her has gone for the last two years, long before I ever realized that she and Tobias might date.

I have never had a particularly good relationship with Olivia. We do not gel. There is nothing hostile whatsoever between us. I just wouldn’t go out of my way to spend time with her. I never have. Some of my reaction to the situation may come from some latent jealousy; the majority stems from my past knowledge of her.

I know very well that Tobias and Olivia connect well, in ways that he and I do not connect. They engage about aspects of geekdom in which I have no interest. They discuss environmental policies and role-playing games. That’s great. That’s why [our] polyamory works. He is so excited about her and their budding relationship. That makes me happy for him and conversely I feel bad that I am not enthusiastic about the situation.

To put my feelings toward Olivia into perspective, I shall bring Diana into this equation. Diana and I don’t always have a good relationship. We are often quite awkward with each other. She and I frustrate each other a lot. But the difference between her and Olivia is that I have a desire to build and rebuild with Diana. I like Diana. I find her interesting and fun to spend time with, even after one of us has had a meltdown (related or unrelated to our friendship and relationships). I lack this completely with Olivia.

The crux of the matter: I do not have the emotional energy or actual time to give to another fractious relationship with my partner’s partner, especially one I’ve never particularly liked.

I told Tobias last night all this. We had previously discussed it, but it has become much clearer to me as it becomes more likely Olivia may move back to town and I have to face reality. I do not want him to date her. I do not (want to) see her as part of my life with Sam. If it were anyone else, our hippy/hip friend Maggie for example or a complete stranger with whom I clicked, even vaguely, I would be fine. Granted, there would be bumps in the road because nothing is ever perfect or easy, but it would be a lot better.

Tobias pointed out that Sam feels ambivalent toward Diana’s boyfriend, and it still works out okay, but the man lives seven hours away, they speak on the phone once a week, and occasionally Sam or the boyfriend buy her a plane ticket to go spend a week or two with him. That is not a viable solution for Tobias and Olivia, and it’s definitely not a viable solution for me if she moves here.

Tobias has shifted from being feeling extremely monogamous to feeling more open about polyamory. In the last few months he has given me a lot of support with Sam, which has surprised, confused and delighted me. He’s a wonderful man. But suddenly it feels as if he and I have switched places emotionally from two summers ago, when Sam and I began pursuing a relationship. That is taking its toll. There’s jealousy roiling in there, time issues to worry about, my aforementioned anxieties, my unmentioned anxieties, our future life plans . . .

On top of all this, Olivia has HPV. Especially considering I am not yet vaccinated, it’s a big deal.

I hated telling him about my feelings last night because it makes him sad. And because I feel like a hypocrite telling him no, you can’t have this, even though I have it. He has invested a lot in her, even as a friend. He certainly won’t lose her friendship, in fact it will probably grow stronger.

At this point, I cannot say if it will end. We did not resolve anything. Just opened the conversation.

gardening

I feel very cared for and romantic.

Tobias and I made love before he went to work this morning. It was sweet, intimate sex that we both needed. Our sex life has slowed somewhat recently. We don’t mind; we work so well together that it’s a non-issue. Still, having our love sweep gently around and through us in the early morning light never fails to enchant us.

Sam and I spent our day off together today. We spent the morning sleeping, snuggling, making love, and reading. I made us breakfast, we took the midterm for our online college class together, and went out to lunch. Very domestic, yes. He gave me some much needed support after I freaked a little about the midterm (not understanding concepts immediately makes me feel embarrassed). After dropping off lunch for Diana, we went to a newly-constructed gated community to look at million dollar model homes. We had a lot of fun exploring and taking photographs of obscenely decadent homes with itty bitty yards. We snuggled and acted silly with/teased each other for the rest of the afternoon.

Tobias came home shortly after Sam left. We made leftovers, cuddled, and went out for coffee. Now he’s off seeing friends. It’s good to have some down time to myself, to read and work on art, but I definitely had a good day.

Turbulence

A couple things going on in my life:
- Sam and I took a wonderful trip together to the mountains in early February
- In late February Tobias and I joined Sam, Diana, and Sam’s parents and brother on another winter adventure
- Tobias and I finally got a new bed – a wonderful mattress, mattress pad and frame! – making sleeping and our backs feel better
- Tobias and I passed the three-year mark
- Sam and I passed the year and a half mark
- My job is treating me generally well, my volunteer work makes me happy, and I’m starting to focus on my future career goals
- Diana and I are having serious issues, communication/world view/etc.
- Diana is pregnant, due in mid-autumn

We have had some positive and negative occurrences in the last month and a half. We being the four, the two of us, the second two of us, and me-myself-and-I. I’m very, very glad when we can interact with each other’s families and have a relationship with them that, while technically not honest, is pleasant. I’m talking to Sam more about my anxieties instead of bottling them up. Sam and I are talking more about our desires and sexual needs (not always a physically fruitful venture, but otherwise exciting and relieving). Tobias’ and my domestic habits are becoming steadily better and more organized, something we’ve struggled with for a while. Both trips were physically exhausting and dizzyingly romantic.

Sam, Diana, and I bond over America’s Next Top Model – an inexplicably addicting show to which I introduced them – while Sam and I have embarked on Big Love, which we could discuss for hours. Tobias and I deconstruct Lost. I’m reading and exercising more, which helps my mood.

Things are actually quite good. Sometimes my life can get rough, but it’s manageable, something I can almost always anticipate will get better. I remind myself on a constant basis how lucky I am. Whether or not this rings true in my ears is sometimes difficult to tell, I am so privileged. I can say with relief that the problems in my life are mere nuisances in comparison to the suffering others have. Some aspects of work bother me on a rather constant basis, but I'm trying to deal with it constructively – this often means ranting at Tobias or Sam, who laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and tear away the frustration. I go home, hang out with my loves, read, take photographs, make near-daily efforts to keep our home organized, play with cats, and have a good life. I love my friends, near and far. (Though I miss some friends so much I can’t talk to them, because I’m worried I’ve lost them.) I love my family.

But as for the sea monkey and my deteriorating relationship with Diana . . . a-whole-nuther story. I told Sam last night that I feel like we’re racing toward the end. Borrowed time. I’m terrified of this pregnancy and what it will mean to our relationship. Diana is a wreck of a person; she can’t do anything by herself and has been harsh with me of late. I feel selfish, justified, lost, home.

Our narrative is in flux. I can’t identify the beginning, exactly, and I couldn’t begin to fathom where the end might lay. Last night I cried against Tobias's chest while holding Sam's hand. Feeling so hopeless even though I’m safe. That tender, distraught moment with them lingers in my memory.

thought vomit

Tonight Sam and I discussed several things, including my frustration with Diana’s depression and various meltdowns she’s been having in the last year (which have as of late escalated), my worry that I won’t be able to deal with Diana so much that it might hurt Sam’s and my relationship, wrought confusion over a term Sam used for our love-making last week, and jealousy that could potentially arise in me surrounding their new baby – a baby that has probably not even been conceived yet.

I have felt so unmotivated this week. I’m tired and emotionally broke. Not broken, but broke – blank. Without feeling. I have rationalized it to myself in a variety of ways, tried to get myself angry, and I just can’t. I didn’t know what to say, because there wasn’t much to say beyond the tired (to me) complaints about Diana and that wasn’t even at the heart of why I was upset. It seemed like an excuse. We talked about it today and seem on the road to recovery.

Sam and I are going away for the weekend soon, to be by ourselves and have the first real 24/7 time we’ve ever had together. Neither of us wanted it to be prefaced with trouble or poor communication, which causes trouble, but I sincerely hope it turns out well for us. We both need this.

Tobias and I will reach the three-year mark in about two weeks. I am delighted and delirious about our love. It grows stronger every day. He is always there for me, deals with my irrationality, and has a kind word to say no matter what the situation. He is a strong, supportive, considerate man who always thinks of others before himself. And he can’t help but be sweet.

I love them both, more than simple words on typewriter or flowing from a pen can express. I love them profoundly. I love them tumultuously.