ambivalence

Tobias has recently (earlyish April) begun a quasi-relationship with a mutual friend, Olivia. I say quasi because she lives over five hours away currently and they have said they won’t officially date until and unless she moves back to where we are now. She was in town this week for a job interview but hasn’t heard anything. They have been friends for many years. I have known her for a little less, but not much. She dated one of Tobias’ close friends and even got engaged to the man, secretly, until they had a nasty break-up last year.

I’m not this woman’s biggest fan, I’ll be frank. I don’t feel positively or negatively toward her. At best, I feel neutral to her; at worst, I find her pretty annoying, but I figure she’ll leave my apartment soon and I won’t have to deal with her for a while. That sounds immature of me; however, that’s essentially how my relationship with her has gone for the last two years, long before I ever realized that she and Tobias might date.

I have never had a particularly good relationship with Olivia. We do not gel. There is nothing hostile whatsoever between us. I just wouldn’t go out of my way to spend time with her. I never have. Some of my reaction to the situation may come from some latent jealousy; the majority stems from my past knowledge of her.

I know very well that Tobias and Olivia connect well, in ways that he and I do not connect. They engage about aspects of geekdom in which I have no interest. They discuss environmental policies and role-playing games. That’s great. That’s why [our] polyamory works. He is so excited about her and their budding relationship. That makes me happy for him and conversely I feel bad that I am not enthusiastic about the situation.

To put my feelings toward Olivia into perspective, I shall bring Diana into this equation. Diana and I don’t always have a good relationship. We are often quite awkward with each other. She and I frustrate each other a lot. But the difference between her and Olivia is that I have a desire to build and rebuild with Diana. I like Diana. I find her interesting and fun to spend time with, even after one of us has had a meltdown (related or unrelated to our friendship and relationships). I lack this completely with Olivia.

The crux of the matter: I do not have the emotional energy or actual time to give to another fractious relationship with my partner’s partner, especially one I’ve never particularly liked.

I told Tobias last night all this. We had previously discussed it, but it has become much clearer to me as it becomes more likely Olivia may move back to town and I have to face reality. I do not want him to date her. I do not (want to) see her as part of my life with Sam. If it were anyone else, our hippy/hip friend Maggie for example or a complete stranger with whom I clicked, even vaguely, I would be fine. Granted, there would be bumps in the road because nothing is ever perfect or easy, but it would be a lot better.

Tobias pointed out that Sam feels ambivalent toward Diana’s boyfriend, and it still works out okay, but the man lives seven hours away, they speak on the phone once a week, and occasionally Sam or the boyfriend buy her a plane ticket to go spend a week or two with him. That is not a viable solution for Tobias and Olivia, and it’s definitely not a viable solution for me if she moves here.

Tobias has shifted from being feeling extremely monogamous to feeling more open about polyamory. In the last few months he has given me a lot of support with Sam, which has surprised, confused and delighted me. He’s a wonderful man. But suddenly it feels as if he and I have switched places emotionally from two summers ago, when Sam and I began pursuing a relationship. That is taking its toll. There’s jealousy roiling in there, time issues to worry about, my aforementioned anxieties, my unmentioned anxieties, our future life plans . . .

On top of all this, Olivia has HPV. Especially considering I am not yet vaccinated, it’s a big deal.

I hated telling him about my feelings last night because it makes him sad. And because I feel like a hypocrite telling him no, you can’t have this, even though I have it. He has invested a lot in her, even as a friend. He certainly won’t lose her friendship, in fact it will probably grow stronger.

At this point, I cannot say if it will end. We did not resolve anything. Just opened the conversation.