ambiguities

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, a marathon – think of something that turns you topsy-turvy but promises to put you down safely in the end.

Election Night was wild and euphoric for my friends and me. About twenty of us munched on pizza and tacos, and drank beer or red or blue drinks, for about eight hours, at Sam and Diana’s house. Some of us spent a large amount of time in the hot tub, chatting amicably and watching the results come in on a screen upon which we projected CNN.

When CNN announced Obama’s win, there was a lot of euphoria. Throughout the later returns there was a lot of euphoria. There was in turn a lot of hugging and kissing of various people. I kissed one of our mutual friends, Tobias kissed a woman we had just met, and Sam kissed a woman he’s known for a long time, although by that time I was helping the man I kissed in the bathroom after becoming both drunk and dehydrated.

Definitely felt some jealousy and some frustration with finding myself jealous, even though I also kissed someone who was neither of my partners. (Initially I didn’t care and after a couple days of processing my jealousy has subsided.) From my perspective, I suppose, the issue was both Tobias and Sam kissed women they both find attractive. I find the man I kissed extremely attractive, but I am unwilling to push with him because I don’t want to fracture my time with Tobias and Sam anymore than it already is; furthermore, the man in question and his lovely partner have rules that they will not engage with another person unless they’re both involved – while I adore his girlfriend, I’m not interested in her sexually. I like him very much, but at the moment I don’t see how this leads to anything besides what we already have: a great friendship. And I guess I am (was) unclear what Tobias and Sam’s hopes were in relation to the women they kissed. That’s been a little difficult to deal with, but Sam, Tobias and I have talked about it so I can work through it.

Tobias went out for coffee on Saturday with the woman he kissed at the party and it didn’t pan out for him in the way he thought it would, i.e., dating her. The woman described herself as highly affectionate toward others, nothing more. I feel sorry for Tobias because he had a lot of hope and excitement for something to happen between them – only to be let down. Interestingly, even though I was (am) apprehensive (contradictorily) about the prospect of Tobias dating another woman seriously, I feel quite defensive of him: he’s a fantastic person, how dare she reject him! Heh.

I don’t know really how to end this. It’s sort of bemusing to think about the last week. Our lives do not revolve around sex, rather around each other and the complexity of the relationships we have with other people (whether it be with a lover, a friend, or a family member). I appreciate it deeply, but the nature of my life is sometimes that I feel I cannot adequately interpret it without cascading asides and digressions. Were I asked to write an autobiography (unlikely), I would describe my life in a series of parentheses.