just some stuff

Sam and I had a nice walk tonight. We sat on a bench in a local park and talked about our motivations and goals. Tobias approached me yesterday about his own worries for his career and the possibility of going back into school, so we must start getting truly serious about our finances and our plans for the future. Sam would be happy to be called one of my sounding boards (and he already knows he’s one of my best friends, along with Tobias). I want to be as supportive as I can of Tobias’ needs, but I was worried so Sam helped me get through some of those fears by simply helping me voice them.

I asked Sam to come to my parents’ house this weekend with Tobias and me to do some pre-Christmas and pre-Thanksgiving activities with us. Sam and Tobias both shot down this idea because Diana cannot come and both men think it would be super problematic if only Sam tagged along.

Mind, I find it most amusing when my mother asks if Diana is okay with me spending so much time with Sam or when Sam’s mother starts questioning his relationship with me – our mothers are most perceptive, it appears – but I do wish truly that I could be open and “out of the closet” with my family. To have that openness and to be that open, even slightly akin to this woman at UM-Morris, with my parents would be amazing. I wish we could feel that comfortable with our folks. We’re all worried our parents will freak out, per se, were they to find out.

I don’t like lying to my parents, whom I love and respect deeply. They like Sam and Diana already. I’m amazed, if saddened, that I’ve been able to keep Sam a secret so long: going on a year and a half now. It hurts that I can’t share casual, touching moments or silly stories about Sam with my mom, unless somehow I awkwardly color them so she doesn’t get the “wrong idea.” Perhaps we fret too much – perhaps they’ll be just fine. Eventually they’ll find out, probably. I hope we can be the ones to tell them, of course, so they do not jump to poor conclusions or feel awkward around us.

If anyone reads this and has a similar situation, how did or would you tell your close family?

Today was a good day. I just worry – a lot. Je suis worry-wort. Now off to bed, for I am a busy woman and the world doesn’t stop for me.