self ass-kicking

Tobias asked me several times this evening if Sam and I are doing okay. He said that we’ve seen a lot of each other recently and he wondered if something might be wrong.

To me, I don’t see Sam enough. I am trying to not buckle under this fact right now.

I have trouble spilling my guts to Sam or crying in front of him very often. It’s taken a lot to accept that this resistance stems from nervousness, or rather fear, that if I have too big of a meltdown (like everyone has once in a while) I’ll end up pushing him away. Half of me shouts that that’s irrational, half of me doubts. Essential to polyamory is open communication and honesty. I never lie egregiously to Sam, but I often deflect when I’m mad at or disappointed in him, or when I’m sad or depressed about something.

What further colors my inability to communicate is that, again, I don’t feel like I see him enough. If we have an issue, Sam and I have to speed up the communication and healing process in a way we don’t have to with Diana and Tobias, respectively. The same with romance or personal time. We are on a time-crunch, always.

I feel like going into it (whatever it is) could hurt us and we don’t have time to really gel. Unlike when Tobias and I have an argument, I can’t go to sleep holding Sam then wake up with him in the morning to make sure again that we’re okay. It’s not possible in our relationship. We lack the space. I can’t and wouldn’t insist he needs to stay the night so we can have what is normal healing for Tobias and me. Where would Tobias go? What about Diana? Yes, I can see Sam at work to hug and kiss and reassure him/myself, but it’s not the same. I still have to go back to work and I don’t go home to him.

There is always a termination point. Sam has to go home after we make love. We go to our respective homes after we take our walk. It’s reality. I shouldn’t fuss. We do get to spend a couple nights together every month or so, which I love. We get serious us-time and it fills us with a wonderful energy. It’s also exciting to have a hasty but tender tryst together, because time is precious and we must enjoy every second of it. But occasionally I want to bury myself in the blankets when he leaves and forget that he’s gone.

Sam came over last Friday night and held me while I cried. I barely spoke, but he got it after a while. I made him leave even though I desperately wanted him to stay, because I couldn’t stand it if I was a burden to his and Diana’s relationship. I worry that will hurt us too. (I probably wouldn’t really believe Diana if she said that wouldn’t be so, because I’m a dolt and scared.) And I’m scared, I guess, to truly express my needs and worries.

Sam definitely knows that I do this; we’ve discussed it in general terms. He wants me to feel free and safe to talk to him, and I want to as well. He pushes back when I push away, which relieves me in spite of my ridiculousness.

On Wednesday evening, we took a walk and it took a while for us to talk in-depth, although we thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. Sam likes to push his loved ones to tell him what’s wrong so he can fix things. He’s a fixer – it’s how he makes himself happy. (He typically ignores himself in this process, which frustrates me.) It’s too much for me sometimes and it can hurt, especially when I’m acting stupid (see third paragraph) and don’t want to talk but should.

This last week burned me out. Work was rough and I cried for almost the entire lunch hour on Thursday. (Of course I cry in front of Sam after I promised him (myself) that I wouldn’t. That never works.) I took some criticism from my amazing boss way too personally. That, combined with stress from all different directions, pushed me over the edge. Sam calmed me down and put the situation into perspective, which makes me love him even more, but I ended up feeling that I wasted that precious hour with him by crying.

He doesn’t see it that way. If only I could too.

In all of this, despite my wanting to spend more time with Sam, I will not give up my time with Tobias. I won’t jeopardize my relationship with him either. All I can do is throw out more Catch-22s, yes?

This post is terrible. Sigh.

I don’t understand myself. I know what’s wrong, but I can’t make myself fix it. Without doubt, I know that Sam will be there for me and with me when I decide to tear down the floodgates I’ve erected. Hiding my nerves just engenders more nerves. But I keep setting myself up to run in dizzying circles, patching the leaks haphazardly. I love him.

He deserves better from me.