from the watchtower

An old friend who I’ve known since elementary school called tonight to ask my advice.

Anna has been dating Dale and Alex off and on for almost a year now, ever since a nasty break-up. She met and liked both around the same time, dated them casually along with two other men who have dropped off the radar, became much closer with them both. Alex and Dale both wanted Anna to themselves, and she caved to both of them a couple times. (She bounced between them.) She still lives in our hometown, so I don’t really keep tabs on what she does. According to her, she gave up Dale to be with Alex, but realized in the last month that she’s happy with Alex but miserable without Dale.

To sum it up, she cheated on Alex with Dale. She didn’t make excuses when she told Alex shortly after, but explained she wanted to be with Dale also. She then sat down with both of them and presented the idea that she could be with both of them, if they were willing.

Let me just say: this is really NOT a good way to start trying polyamory.

Anna wanted to know if I would consider talking to Alex about polyamory, something basic in an E-mail. He is scared and worried, unsure why she needs someone else or how she could love two people at once.

Before I even agreed to E-mail him, Anna and I talked about the importance of honesty and communication. She needs to let him talk to her, to let him cry, to let him talk out his worries with his conservative friends, to let him be held by her and feel wanted. She needs to work on trust between them. She needs to bring Dale and Alex together, to talk. She also needs to accept this arrangement could fail.

I sympathize with Alex because after Sam and I started dating, Tobias was sporadically out of sorts for months and I with him. We had a long process with lots of tears in which we dealt with our own fears and needs. We emerged better from it, but I can understand how where someone might break. Regardless of whether you feel completely monogamous or polyamorous, being in a relationship is tough. Being in more than one is tougher.

Consider the emotional strain you put on yourself when you even entertain polyamory, whether you’re “wired” for it or not. Will it be worth it in the long run? Putting your loved one(s) and yourself through an incredibly stressful situation could rock you more than you thought it would. We stuck it out because we determined my relationship with Tobias and my relationship with Sam had value and could be managed, with lots of work. I definitely wish it could have happened with less headache and tears, but I wouldn’t give up what I’ve gained in having them.

For Anna, I hope she can work things out and no one gets hurt. She has a tough road ahead of her.