medicine

I broached the subject with Sam on Saturday after I got upset again when Sam had to hurry home. Tobias and I, of course, left to go visit parents that night and stayed through the end of the weekend, so Sam and I didn’t see each other until Monday. Sam got sick over the weekend and has continued to be sick. We spoke briefly about the subjects that we need to go into at lunch, then took a walk in the evening. Neither of us seemed up to it last night, and Sam was out of it. We didn’t have a space to sit down and talk it out hard, either, as Tobias was home and Diana anti-people while she worked on her curriculum. Today we didn’t have a lot of time together, and he is still feeling bad, so as of right now we still haven’t spoken in the way that we need.

I feel distanced enough from last week’s frustration and tears that I fear I won’t adequately express myself once we get a chance. Deflation rears its head.

The “talk,” as it were, is looming over me ominously enough that all I want to do is throw it away and forget about it so I can enjoy my time with him. Unfortunately that can’t happen, as that’s exactly what I’ve done in the past and I know that makes me unhappy.

For the past few days Tobias and I have been in contact (separately) with Alex from “from the watchtower.” Alex’s last message details how upset he is that Anna cheated on him, yet he said that he will “ride the wave” and enjoy his time with Anna to “the best of my ability.” I responded:

Just be aware of what you need, Alex, and let Anna know. It's okay to say to her, ‘Hey, I really need you right now.’ It's important to be fair to everyone involved in a polyamorous situation, but it's perfectly acceptable to have needs and voice them.

Our E-mail exchange about polyamory forces me to recall exactly why I kissed Sam for the first time, without hesitation, under the trees on that late, cool August afternoon – and also what I’ve been fucking up. Obviously I need to swallow some of my own medicine.