Talking to Others — Poly at Work

I thought I might write about how I personally deal with polyamory and being “out” or keeping silent in various social situations: family, friends, at work, etc.

Talking to Others—Poly at Work

Mum’s the word for us. Some of Diana’s peers are aware, but I don’t know how much they’ve told anyone else. Only one co-worker of Tobias’ has known, and that person was a good friend prior to Tobias working with him.

Since Sam and I technically work together, but our co-workers only formally know our partners as Diana and Tobias respectively, it can be a challenge. We see each other a lot for breaks and lunch, as it’s the chance to be together without taking time away from Diana or Tobias. Some people confuse me for Sam’s wife. We don’t correct them. Sam is one of my best friends and occasional carpool buddy, as well as my lover, but we don’t mention that last part. We tone down our affection when co-workers or supervisors are near. We’ve definitely had some interesting incidents.

I work in a mostly tolerant but extremely gossip-oriented workplace. I’m also naïve about it, because I’m new and generally like everyone in my office. There are a lot of cliques and tension between people. I’m not sure how importantly I figure into the equation yet. Does my personal life matter to these people? I don’t know, but sometimes I worry. One person I like very much saw Sam and I together, holding hands, and to my surprise she knew Sam because she had once lived next door to Sam and Diana. I don’t know if she told anyone. Does it matter? I can’t be sure.

It makes me nervous not to tell anyone that Sam is my OSO (other significant other) or also my partner, because I feel that not telling somehow suggests that I’m not proud or wholly invested in our relationship. We know that’s not true, of course, but we have to be pragmatic. We work in a tolerant environment, but we don’t really know how being “out” about our polyamory would affect us professionally. It can be exhilarating and quite unnerving sometimes.

I’d be curious to know what it’s like for other polyamorous people. Is it even an issue? Is discussing one’s personal life even relevant at the workplace?

Sam and I took a walk last night after I wrote all of the above and discussed these questions. The conclusions?

1. We have to be pragmatic.

We do not let our relationship affect our work. Enough said.

Furthermore, I need to stop worrying about it and not run my mouth. E.g., “You want to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona? That polyamory movie?” or “I find So-and-So cute. Actually, he’s quite hot. [co-worker’s laughter.] No, really, Tobias and I are quite open about finding other people attractive . . .”

2. It’s not relevant in the workplace.

The title says it all.

If it ever comes up, Sam thinks I should be honest. I’m resistant to this, even if I’ve let my mouth slip on occasion. To a co-worker I would say it’s none of their business; to my boss, I might assure her Tobias knows and it’s okay, and leave it at that. If it ever comes up, which I don’t think I will.

Also, I’m caught between being able to speak freely of Tobias and naught of Sam. I need to omit relationship conversation completely from my workplace conversations.

3. I am confusing my colleagues for friends.

Even though I spend more time with them on a daily basis than I do my close friends, I ultimately don’t know them and I won’t continue speaking to them after they or I depart from our office. The others are not my friends, as much as I might like them and enjoy their company.

Some of the people I work with or around, including one of my mentors, I consider telling. These are people I have known for a while, even before I started working, and whom I trust.


In any event, my thoughts continue to stumble about on this topic. This entry is clearly not an example in brevity, but the blog serves its purpose: to help me work out things going on in my life and deconstructing what has happened in the past.