Missing

Diana’s mother died last week. Sam and Diana have been in and out of town, flying half-way across the country at least a dozen times between them over the last two months. It was a long time coming, but no less upsetting than something sudden. They came back today.

Even when they have good reasons, I miss Tobias and Sam terribly when they’re away or I from them. It’s hard to be apart from them, even if one of them is around. I get anxious and often cranky, but I hide it when serious or important things happen. I can survive and it’s not good to further emotionally stress either of my partners.

Sam and I haven’t been able to speak much in the last couple weeks, though he did come home for three days last week to decompress and recharge so he could support Diana. He’s a good, good man.

Tobias and I are starting to worry that we’re losing two of our friends, Mark and Caroline. They’re fading away. We talked about it on Sunday and it didn’t bother me initially – I didn’t want it to, the last time this happened I freaked out and nothing constructive happened – but as the week has progressed I realize it is bothering me. Coupled with Sam not being here, being in a different time zone and not being available much to talk, the friends issue, and some stress at work, I’ve become sad and frustrated. It’s better than getting angry, which I’m prone to do, but I sort of shut down instead. I felt lonely and ignored, even if I acknowledge the irrationality; Sam and Diana were very, very busy. Tobias and I talked about it, which made me feel better. I apologized to Sam today for being distant when we talked last night (how fitting that I didn’t want to talk). I shouldn’t have taken it out on him.

Sam and Diana came over after dinner tonight, which was good. Sam and I got to spend some time together while Tobias walked Diana home.

I missed him. We’re glad they’re home.